Dear Hernie, help!!!!
I have been married for five years to an otherwise lovely man! I have ten children from a previous marriage eight of whom still live with us although they are adults. He has three adult children who are employed in good jobs and live on their own. Hernie, here’s the problem, we are constantly fighting over the kids, his and mine! He is constantly ragging on me to tell my kids to get jobs and move out! Hernie, they are still ‘finding’ themselves! He complains about the grocery bills, heating bills, and other living expenses. He claims my kids ‘eat him out of house and home’! His kids rarely come over and when they do, they do not stay long. Their dad meets them outside the home mostly. I get the impression they look down on me! Help Hernie, this marriage is going nowhere fast!
Dear ‘I have ten children’, there is a sucker born every minute, evidently your husband is one of them! Eight adult kids still at home? Throw the fuckers out and tell them to get jobs, whatever comes first! As for your husband? Why on earth would he have married you? Can you lick the chrome off a fender or something? On second thought, you are not as dumb as you sound to have snagged such a husband. Hell, most men would have run from a woman like you. Why don’t you share your secret? Are you from Mississippi by chance? Perhaps you are a hillbilly from Tennessee? Whatever the case, that man should cut his losses and hightail it out of this marriage before your eight ‘adult’ kids and yourself ruin him financially. What say you? In any case, fuck off and get a life! Here’s a video that brings you to mind:
P.S. You should have kept your legs crossed and your drawers up!
Hernie the anti-advice, advice columnist!
Hello. This post is about my awakening to white supremacy. No I did not read books or listen to others. I went with my intuition. I was able to put sociological terms to it at a later time. This is about coming awake without the aid of such tools on my own. I first became aware of white supremacy at a very young age, three to be exact. My mother had taken me ‘trick or treating’. We came to this house and a white woman opened the door. Upon clapping eyes on me, she exclaimed to her husband; “Come here and look at the cute little nigger dear”! My mother became angry and took me home immediately. When I got home, I ran to my father laughing and informed him my mother had gotten mad at some lady because she called me an ‘eagle’! For the most part I have been laughing at these fools ever since.
Onwards and upwards of downwards however you wish to look at it, I further experienced white racism in school and with neighbours. At the time there were very few blacks in Toronto, or at least in the area I lived. Because black people were few and far between, I became easy prey for the blatant racism meted out by whites. This would include being bombarded with such names as nigger, spook, coon, jungle bunny, spear chucker and porch monkey, on a constant basis. I was constantly told that my hair looked like a brillo pad etc., etc. Some even went as far as to touch my hair whilst telling me this. It is a good thing I became an artist with my fist and feet! It also helped that I had other people who could educate me as to the mechanisms of white supremacy albeit in a crude and basic way (sometimes that is the best way!). I was not fed the ‘kumbaya’ can’t we all get along bullshit, rather, white folks weren’t and aren’t right, and they despise black people. Deconstructing white supremacy would come later with more education mostly sought out by myself. To date, I think most whites prefer to keep black folk in the dark, especially the ones who prefer to remain there, not me!
At a young age, for some reason, I was attracted to Ancient Egypt. When my parents took me to the museum or I went with my class, I inexplicably identified with them! These reliefs, paintings and other depictions, called to me as the subjects looked like me! Later I realised the depths of white supremacy when the ancient Egyptians were written as ‘white’ or referred to as such. Something told me, an inkling one could say, that this was sheer and utter crap. I started to notice that white supremacy permeated every aspect of society, this realization coupled with the racist name calling, still, however, it was a ‘feeling’. Being a kid one couldn’t expect me to put terms to it, all I knew was that they were mostly if not all racist. In the future I would be bombarded with the colour-blind bullshit but I ignored it. When I chose to comment on it in my child’s mind, it was to disdain it. You see, the whites always came out on top. I also realized that they need black folks to look down on in order to feel ‘superior’ and good about themselves. That is the gist of their racism in a nutshell; ‘cant ‘let go of our ‘supremacy’ along with the power and privileges that go with it,’ can we now?, seems to be their canard.
‘There is nothing new under the sun’ as the old axiom goes! Many blacks I came across were not immune to the white wash and I have met many! As a child I noticed another trend among some blacks and that was the ‘go along to get along’ mentality. If you can’t beat them join them as it were! These same kids would let themselves be subjected to degradations such as ‘nigger’ jokes and laugh along with the white kids until they themselves were called nigger (or nigger wakeup calls as the Yanks refer to it). These same incipient kerchief heads would laugh at and torment other racialized people and fellow blacks. Suffice it to say, they didn’t get very far. Hopefully they woke up and snapped out of it! Perversely, I am glad I got mine when I was three as I didn’t have to waste time being totally ignorant, knowing something was ‘up’ but not what. It progressed from there. Rather than internalize it, I decided to educate myself as I sure as hell didn’t get any black history education in school. I am glad I did. I was also educated about my family history. I can trace my lineage back a few hundred years. I started to study black history from a young age as I was, am, a voracious reader. A word of advice, if you are not taught your family and black history, seek it out. Learning about yourself and your people goes a long way in arming yourself against the racist onslaught whether overt or covert. Once you get hip to the time of day it is, you see the absurdity in these people and hopefully are able to laugh at much of their shenanigans for the most part, in the least you can just shake your head. The blacks who are unaware, even at a visceral level will be in for a rough ride. ‘Woe is me’ has never been my clarion call! Did I ever have moments of doubt? Sure, but upon reflection I gave my head a shake and got over it. I learned that in order to navigate your way through a white supremacist society you must empathetically know yourself. Foremost, I have to thank my elders, especially my grandmother for beginning my education. As long as whites cling to the mantle of ‘whiteness’, there will be no surcease in the foreseeable future. I am beginning to think racism is inherent in their nature. Who am I kidding? I know it is no matter how well meaning, nice, or kind and caring they may appear. Racism surfaces eventually believe me. One coping mechanism is to laugh at them. Seek out other blacks of like mind. Go with your intuition if it hasn’t been squelched yet. If you can, try to ‘wake’ others up’. To those who are not, wake up!
Part II, Introduction to Code upcoming.
White Supremacy in a nutshell, at least of the more benign kind! Kenny sed tho.
Girls, here is a recipe for a face elixir I created!
1. Purchase some rosemary essential oil. You can do this online or via your nearest Health Food store.
4. Purchase some ‘Shea Oil’, not the butter. It appears to be more available on line than in the stores. If you can find it in the store all the better!
5. Sterilize the glass bottle you have purchased.
6. Put two drops of rosemary essential oil in it.
7. Put half of the jojoba oil and half of the Shea oil in the bottle (4 ounce or 8 ounce it is up to you). Shake the bottle.
8. There you are! Now put a dime size amount in your hand and spread it gently over your face. You can use this morning and night.
The jojoba oil and rosemary is good for acne. Your skin may appear to be oily when you initially apply it but it will soon be absorbed into your skin and a little goes along way. If you have excessively oily skin, put a couple more drops of rosemary into the mix. Rosemary is one of nature’s panaceas when it come to the benefits to one’s skin! For your own benefit and knowledge, start studying essential oils and carrier oils. Butters are also interesting also. Shout out to Negress!!!
Before Hernie’s Face Elixir:
After Hernie’s elixir!:
Just joking but you get my drift eh?
Dear Hernie I have a problem with one of my co-workers. I work in close proximity with the person so cannot ‘escape’ from them. Hernie, my co-worker stinks to high heaven. This person suffers from halitosis, stinks of urine and feces, has day’s old food stains on their clothes, burps, farts and belches indiscriminately, and has terrible BO stenches permeating like an aura off their body! Hernie, in the name of professional work relations I have not approached this person to tell them this (besides, they stink too much!). In fact, their stank breath is enough to knock you out! Hernie, what can I do about this without harming my work relations? Help! Waiting with plugged nose and bated breath in Boise!
Wherever you may be, let your stench run free!!!
Well plug nose, there are several things you can do. But first I have to include the requisite empathetic bull crap. Violins wailing. Perhaps your co-worker suffers from health problems and cannot help his or hers’ hygiene problems. Have you ever approached them and sat over a coffee to discuss this? If that doesn’t work, have you approached your human resources department and asked them for help? I know in many work places there is a policy against wearing perfumes and scents. Smelling like a stanky ass motherfucker should be one of them since BO, piss and shit stenches qualify as ‘scents’, albeit foul ones.
What I would really advise you to do and say?
1. If you are a balless wonder, I would advise you to surreptitiously place a bar of soap, deodorant, clean drawers, laundry detergent, toothpaste and mouth wash on their desk with a note asking them to use these items in order to enhance employee relations.
2. The above will probably not work! Grow some balls and confront the pig! Tell them to wash their stanky selves already, if you can get close enough to them with their foul smelling breath.
3. Being a filthy foul creature since like forever, this will probably not work! It didn’t help that no-one reported or confronted this cretin before.
4. If this pig is your boss, get another job!
Oh, how are things in Boise? Tipple any cows lately?
Hernie, the anti-advice, advice columnist!