Archive for September, 2012
Well good day folks. Here are some letters I received! They go thus:
Dear Hernie, help! I have been dating this man for two weeks and I think he is leading me on. He is currently unemployed, suffers from halitosis and has a problem with hygiene. He also has a bad hair cut and no fashion sense whatsoever! However, he is nice, pays from dinner at McDonald’s and holds my hand when we go for walks. Whenever I phone the number he gave me I get a drunk, belligerent woman on the other line who tells me to “fuck off and stop calling my house, whore!” She claims to be my new beau’s wife. When I ask my new beau if he is married, he denies it. Hernie, who is lying here? After two weeks of courtship, I wish to know so I can move on! Waiting with bated breath for your advice.
Dear ‘bated breath’,or is it hot air? What was your first clue? His halitosis, poor fashion sense, or the cheap meals at McDonald’s followed by a walk in the park? Or was it calling the number he gave you, and consequently having a harridan claiming to be his wife, cuss you out? Perhaps it was the fact that he is unemployed? If you answered yes to any of the above, you’ve got problems and have had problems for some time now! I suggest you drop this sucker of two weeks, and hie yourself off to a psychiatrist, better yet, sign yourself in to the local mental hospital! Either that or just get a life! Sheesh!
Dear Hernie, Please help! It’s my mother in law! She constantly criticizes me to my husband of 40 years and has done so since the early days of our marriage! She criticizes my cooking, house keeping skills and child rearing! Here’s my house Hernie, judge for yourself as to my house keeping. I am not the most clean house keeper but consider myself to be average!:
As for my cooking:
Here’s my darling kids!
Like I said, the average American family. Tell me Hernie, how do I deal with my mother in law? The beleaguered daughter in law!
Well after looking at those eyesores I’d say she was right! Where do you hail from? On second thought, I don’t want to know. Your mother in law is right about you. I would like to extend my advice to her and tell her to get the hell out of your lives lest she catch some disease judging from your obscenely filthy home. There are still diseases out there undiscovered. Perhaps the WHO should go to your house and take samples! As for those kids of yours? Walking advertisements for celibacy. Get a life loser and leave your mother in law alone! Where’s your husband? Drunk on the couch? He’d have to be!
Hernie, the anti-advice advice columnist!
Well good day all you white racists out there! Want to know how to rile up the Negroes in five easy steps? Well listen up!
1. Mimic the way the negro speaks so as to mock the negro. This is a shoo in folks! It always gets the negro riled. This is for the dumber racist who is basically a functional illiterate. So if you are as dense as a brick, this is a nice starter!
2. If you are a little bit smarter than the dumb racists, bring up the fact that they were better off during slavery than they were in ‘Africa‘. No need to be knowledgeable about the country of ‘Africa’. This will cause their eyes to bulge and their blood pressure to rise, the sight of which is hilarious!
3. Inform them of all the inventions that the whites have made and the fact that negroes have never invented anything. This one is very popular because it always gets the negroes in a lather! They will sputter and be at a loss for words or will try to give you a list of black inventors. Being a dumb fuck you will not care, as it is the charge you get out of riling up the negro that counts. Who cares that it is individuals who invent and not ‘groups’ per se. It’s riling up the negroes or bust for the semi-intelligent white racist.
4. Married or dating a negro? For those of you who don’t hate negroes but fetishize them; go to your black partner’s group and inform them they are basically useless and your white skin will afford them ‘privileges’ for being in a relationship with a white person! Never mind you are full of shit! It is the hilarious reaction you are looking for! If they are women, tell them how black men find them a handful and hard to get along with and please. If a man, tell the black man that most black men are deadbeats, criminals or in prison. They do not appreciate nor know how to treat black women. Beware though! This may backfire and you may end up with a rearranged face if the stereotypes of the negro being inherently violent proves true.
5. Mock black culture under the guise of ‘admiring’ it! Mimic modes of ‘dress’, music, and supposed ways of life such as thuggery and other modes of criminality;become a full fledged ‘wigga‘! Keep in mind you may end up being the brunt of jokes though!
6. For the ‘smarter’ raciss, be insidious. Don’t let the negro see it coming! This will prove to be even funnier when they realize you are mocking them! Start off by talking of innocuous things, such as the change in the weather. When the Negro engages with you in this mundanity, such as “how nice the weather is today”, tell him/her how much you loathe Obama. Do this suddenly without warning, this is always a shit stirrer par excellence! So what if the negro you are talking about didn’t even vote nor even supports Obama. Inject it into the ‘conversation’ to throw the negro off kilter. Then carry on as to how you hate Obama care, how you detest him etc. etc.. Assure the negro that you are not raciss,you just can’t stand him(Obama). Whatever you do, don’t let the negro get a word in edge wise during this ‘debate’. If you do, he/she may blow your conceptions of the negroes possessing low intelligence ,that they all voted for Obama because of his skin colour, in fact, they may even surprise you with their ‘intelligence’ and erudition. Can’t have that now can we? Why do this? Well it’s fun tormenting people(history has shown you this), and it works excellently as a form of confirmation bias. The negro will sputter, be taken aback and most likely will be at a loss for words. The best case scenario? He/she will beat the shit out of you! Now isn’t that the ultimate stereotype, the violent, stupid negro? It will serve as party conversation for years to come! At best, it will make you feel good about yourself as your unreasonable hatred conscious or unconscious is confirmed. You will have a ‘legitimate’ reason for hating the negro.
6. Bring up scientific studies that show most black to be intellectually inferior to whites. Do this in the context of why blacks lag behind. It’s the genetics dummy! Start out subtly now, so you can build up the suspense. Always maintain a calm and kindly demeanor whilst doing this, as you, unlike the negro can control yourself. Throw in scientific jargon(the negroes probably don’t even know what you are talking about anyway, but neither do you!). Hopefully the Negroes will get too angry to counteract your pseudo scientific arguments effectively! The fun is in the outcome of really pissing the negroes off! Don’t’ forget to give them the back handed compliments of being great at sports, singing, dancing, because everything is a trade off. The negro was given brawn for brains is all.
7. When a negro brings up past historical wrongs such as cultural genocide, mass lynchings and Jim Crow, fob them off by bringing up blacks’ inherent criminality fueled by testosterone and the ravenous sex drives. Accuse the black woman of having an overdose of testosterone too! If this doesn’t floor them, what will?
8. Bring up the police killings of negroes and do your damnedest to flip the script and blame the negroes for their ill-fortune. Better yet, bring up some murder committed by blacks against whites. Divert, divert, divert!!!!!!! You may have to call 911 when the negro’s head explodes!
Advice to the negroes? Ignore these loons and keep stepping unless you are in the mood for entertainment or a bout of fisticuffs! Good day to you!!!! When will the white racist change their ways? When pigs fly!!!!
Hi my name is Petula. Me and Mikey are getting married, wish us luck! Sooeee, oink oink.
Last but not least from ‘darling’ Mikey, his opinion and advice:
Hi again folks, Mikey here. I may be funny looking but I am smarter than you because I am white! So what if I am an inbred cretin, I mean creature! I was dropped on my head at birth hence my funny looking face! With my white fur with piss coloured accents, I am all that and then some. I am superior to you, bow down minions before my brilliance! Like my fiance Petula? Mikey the deluded asshole of a tiger! Oh, do you think I’m sexy?
Here are some future posts! Hold on to your balls(figuratively speaking of course!)
1. The Kerchief Head! Almost done!
2. Top Ten Sexiest Aliens!
4. The Kerchief Head Versus the White Racist Troll!
5. You Can Always Go Home! A guide to white anti-racists, an oxymoron!
Good day! I received these letters from some clowns! I shit you not! It goes thus, first letter:
“Dear Hernie, I think I may have a problem! I have been married for 20 years to a wonderful, caring man. He is very attentive and a good provider. He even praises my cooking, (I can’t cook worth shit). He tells me constantly that he loves me and brings me presents such as bon bons and chocolates(Belgian). Our love life is regular considering all the headaches I suffer from.
Hernie, something strange has been happening in the last few months and it finally came to a head last night. My husband was working another overtime shift last evening. He got home around midnight looking exhausted. I offered to warm up a can of pork and beans and run a bubble bath for him. Whilst he was getting into the bath tub, I notices lipstick marks on his nut sac, I mean scrotum. Hernie, do you thing he has been cheating?”
In a word probably. Now the questions to be asked, the the solutions to be proffered are as follows:
1. How much income does he make a year? The reason I ask? It might not be to your advantage if he has a low paying job, to divorce. Getting half or little of nothing isn’t worth the cost. You may be able to get extras such as clothes, perfume, or a trip to the Bingo parlour. In other words, extort concessions out of him. If he has a low paying job, he may not wish to get a divorce. He may want to go to counseling, barring that, get him a case of liquor. He will be too drunk to do anything or go anywhere. If he is rich or has a high paying job which requires a facade of respectability, then threaten divorce! Shit, divorce him and take everything you can!
2. You wrote that he had lipstick marks on his scrotum? Well you can do two things, ask him where he got the lipstick marks from. Perhaps he was experimenting as he is a closet cross dresser. Look at it on the bright side whatever answer he provides, you will not have to put out as he is sleeping/pumping someone else. Your headaches may become a thing of the past as a result. You can turn a blind eye to his shenanigans as long as he keeps the pay cheques coming. Make sure he isn’t spending money on the whore, taking her to dinner, to flea bitten motels, or buying her cheap perfume, every penny counts as long as it’s in your account!
3. Your third option is to throw caution to the wind and pump the milk man. Are you for real?
“Dear Hernie, I have been dating a wonderful woman for the last fifteen years. However, she is an alcoholic. When drunk, which is most of the time, she is violent, promiscuous and foul tempered! When drunk, she berates me in public calling me names such as motherfucker, cocksucker and a piece of shit! To say this is embarrassing is an understatement! Many a time I’ve had to bail her out of jail for public drunkenness and brawling. Hernie, I don’t know how long I can put up with this. This isn’t recent, she became like this after a year and a half of dating! Help Hernie!
Dear jackass, dump the broad! You read like you are a few cards short of a deck yourself, either that you are a masochist! Grow some balls! Good day!