Archive for March, 2013
Dear Hernie, HELP!!!!! I am getting married in a few days but I have a major problem with my future father in law! I am getting married in a day and a half Hernie! My prospective father in law is a drunkard and a filthy bum, otherwise I love him dearly. He is a drunkard who belches, farts, shits and pisses himself indiscriminately. He cusses and swears like there is no tomorrow! I don’t want him at my wedding as you can smell him coming a mile off before you see him, he is a walking fart! Soap, deodorant and water are anathema to him. Under normal circumstances, I couldn’t care less but It is my wedding Hernie! My fiancé insists that his father attend, otherwise he is calling it off! Hernie what should I do. I don’t want to be embarrassed at my wedding, nor do I want my guest having to but up with his foul stench or boorish behaviour! At my engagement party, he went around grabbing all the women’s tits! Otherwise he is a fabulous man!
Did I forget to mention that my future father in law is filthy rich? I am talking billions and my fiance is his only child. Despite concerns, I dearly love my future father in law. Signed apprehensive in Omaha.
Dear Apprehensive, go get your head read….please! Here’s the todo ; 1. The drunk asshole is rich. 2. Your prospective husband knows this, so will put up with foul odours and drunkenness for a few hours here and there in order to preserve his inheritance, capiche dummy? 3. The wedding is just one day out of your life. Put up with the foul-smelling drunkard and reap the future benefits. He is going to die some day. If you and your fiancé are still married then you can have a proper ‘wedding’ with all the bells and whistles. 4. The drunk asshole is rich. 5. The drunk asshole is rich. Is you future father in law married? If he isn’t give me his number. I could give him some counseling for his problems. Use your brain and womanly wiles, but you are from Omaha that must explain your stupidity! Good luck on your upcoming nuptials you’ll need it, sheesh!
Hernie, the anti-advice columnist.
Code talk and behaviour! They’ve now made a scholarly discipline out of it. Some of my Favs! Firstly, what are some of these codes? Code is the everyday bombardment experienced by black people in their respective countries. It may vary according to the area which one resides of course. In a nutshell, they are the slight, everyday indignities perpetrated on blacks and other racialized people. However, blacks tend to be their favourite targets. Hence, I will concentrate on my own fellow black folk. There are several kind of micro aggressions that scholars have lent scholarly terms to. Here are some!
1. The macro-assaults which are patently obvious or should be, such as being called nigger, spook, porch monkey(I have been referred to by these names at certain times in my life). A couple of others would be passing a black person on the street and crossing to the other side, or ignoring them when they walk into a store whilst waiting on others who come after. The last two would be of the non-communicative sort. You are constantly subjected to racist images via the media. Most of these images are based on racial stereotypes regardless of their intent; these stereotypes can run the gamut from the blatantly racist to the seemingly benign. A current prime example of blatancy, would be the clown who festooned his restaurant in Hamilton Ontario, Canada with a Confederate flag. The name of this ‘five star’ restaurant is ‘Hillbilly Heaven’. http://www.cbc.ca/hamilton/news/story/2013/03/04/hamilton-hillbilly-heaven.html.
2. The micro-insult. Ever been asked why you don’t try for a promotion? When you ask the white person why they are asking you this, you are told that ‘you are black and a woman, a double whammy of a shoo in to get the job’. There is never any mention made of any qualifications or interpersonal skills you may possess. Another favourite is being told you speak ‘good’ English despite having the same accent as the person telling you this. Another one I am particularly fond of is calling you by another black person’s name because they either don’t remember your name and hope you will correct them, or think all black people look alike, take your pick.
3. The micro invalidations such as being asked where you are from despite the fact that your family may have been here for generations. These observations are based solely on your outward appearance. You are asked constantly your ‘country’ of origin despite your accent being indistinguishable from that of the inquirer. This is similar to being complimented on your’good’ English, but encompasses you origins as well, I guess they are intertwined! They see that you are black and therefore assume you ‘ain’t from here’. When other blacks ask you this they are seeking some commonality in regards to culture etc. When a white person asks, you are being subtly informed that you don’t belong ‘here’, or, depending on the context, you should be grateful to be here.
The danger of the more subtle forms of racism is that the person being subjected to this behaviour may not be aware of it. They may sense something is wrong, but can’t quite put their ‘finger on it’, as this may involve second guessing the person perpetrating the behaviours. The blatant behaviour, because it is blatant and obvious, can be dealt with head on if one is so inclined(depends on the person obviously). White folks, who perceive themselves as being basically ‘good and ‘decent human beings’ become upset when their behaviour is pointed out to them. White supremacy is so inherent in societies that they deny or are supposedly unaware of their racism. After all, they send money to places like Haiti and the country of ‘Africa’ don’t they?
One may ask what some of the deleterious effects of theses seemingly banal forms of racism. For the unsuspecting for example, it can cause spiritual, mental and physical health concerns whilst being bombarded on a daily basis with these assaults. Personally, I have come to prefer the blatant racist as I know where they stand and they are comical if they do not resort to violence. They are also stupid to the point that other whites don’t like them despite the fact that they make them feel good as they are not like these ‘losers'(the blatant racists). They are an embarrassment to the ‘regular’ whites as they are an extreme manifestation of the racism whites harbour. In the ‘old days’ this type of aversive racism was referred to as talking and acting in ‘code’. The ‘professionals’ became aware of this prevalent behaviour and put ‘scholarly’ names and began trying to ‘define’ code and its’ accompanying results. Folks, there is nothing new under the sun! Folks, racism is supposed white superiority versus supposed black inferiority. Blacks cannot be racist as any striking out is a reaction to white supremacy. Terminology can be affixed to any type of mode of speech or behaviour. Simple is best! Racism due to the prevalent white supremacy, is for the most part banal, for whites. Wake up folks!!!!!
Dear Hernie, I need your help! I went on vacation to Cuba and met this hot guy on the beach!
Well Hernie, before you know it, we were knocking boots morning noon, and night! We were inseparable both figuratively and physically. I fell passionately in love with Jose here! After a week of sin, Jose asked me to marry him. Whilst looking into those smouldering brown eyes I could not say no. I came home and made preparations for my upcoming nuptials. I rented a bigger apartment, bought Jose a new winterized wardrobe, a new 100 inch television, toiletries and such. I also sent his family a trunk full of sundries to ease their plight, they don’t have the basics such as toothpaste and toilet paper there. I bought my gown and prepared to go back to Cuba to marry my love! When I got there, I was greeted at the airport by Jose and his family! Jose and I were married on the beach and honeymooned for the rest of the week on the beach! I left and came home sans Jose to prepare for his arrival once I go his immigration papers in order! Well Hernie, when Jose finally arrived, it was not as I thought it would be. Hernie, after a couple of months, Jose up and left taking his clothes, the 100 inch television and toiletries with him! He left a note stating ‘So long sucker‘(his English had improved dramatically in the few months I knew him). Hernie, I thought he loved me, where did we go wrong. I never saw this coming!
Hernie says; Dear dummie, how did you not see this coming. You must have sucker written across your forehead or something. First off, call immigration and turn him in. See that you get the 100 inch television back. Secondly, do you know where he is? If you do, give me his phone number, I’d like to give him some one on one counselling before he is deported back to Cuba. Men like Jose here are only good for the old pump and dump, you don’t take up with these assholes! Get a brain and a life!
Next post; The Kerchief Head Versus the White Raciss, Round 1!