Archive for category Humour
Folks, there is something wrong with me. I am in a constant state of hilarity! Things other people cry at or are frightened of, I laugh at. I remember seeing that movie ‘The Exorcist’. It scared the shit out of most people, but I laughed at the scenes where the girl’s head turned, and she spews vomit and cuss words whilst floating in the air. Most people tell me they couldn’t sleep after seeing this. I couldn’t either because my gut hurt. There was another movie called ‘Legion’ about angels invading to bring about the ‘Apocalypse’. Well, I almost pissed my drawers! I was prostrate on the floor (it’s a good thing I was at home).
I also laugh when people wipe out in the snow. I have slipped and wiped out in the snow many a time to the point where I have learned to relax while falling. Once, I slipped and fell on my back and had a hard time getting up due to the icy pavement. An ignorant asshole passed by, took one look, smiled and kept going. Suffice it to say; I eventually managed to get up without wiping out again. The memory still brings a chuckle.
I was taking driving lessons and ran the car over a street sign! My response? Peals of laughter. If I’m on the subway, and I see someone acting ‘bizarrely’ I will observe the observers of the loon’s behaviour. Their reactions slay me. Do you know what it’s like to want to laugh and you can’t? Torture. I had a mentally ill man come up to me and start swearing and screaming at me. I daren’t laugh lest it propel him to worse actions. I ignored him, and he went on to some other woman who smiled at him cussing me out. It wasn’t until the bus came and the man left was I able to laugh it off. I had a drug addict come up to me on the streetcar asking to lend him ten dollars. By the time he got to me, he managed to harass and intimidate every woman on the streetcar. I asked him why he needed ten dollars. He told me he was going to buy ‘crack’, then go and see his probation officer. I asked him how he would pay me back; after he ‘got out of jail’ he replied. I told him I didn’t have ten dollars for him to buy ‘crack’. The streetcar driver told him to get off the streetcar eventually after hasrassing all those women on the streetcar. He told the streetcar driver to ‘fuck off’ as a parting gesture.
Why write this bullshit? I am in a jocular frame of mind and had to blow some of it off. Everyone needs a hobby. One of my hobbies is writing bullshit on a blog albeit intermittently.
Hi folks! I have just come up with a brilliant idea for a series of posts! I aim to write posts on people’s’ favorite white racists! I love the comic fodder they offer! Folks if you have any suggestions, place them in the comments section. Let the hilarity commence!
Anyone have any favorites?
Dear Hernie, HELP!!!!! I am getting married in a few days but I have a major problem with my future father in law! I am getting married in a day and a half Hernie! My prospective father in law is a drunkard and a filthy bum, otherwise I love him dearly. He is a drunkard who belches, farts, shits and pisses himself indiscriminately. He cusses and swears like there is no tomorrow! I don’t want him at my wedding as you can smell him coming a mile off before you see him, he is a walking fart! Soap, deodorant and water are anathema to him. Under normal circumstances, I couldn’t care less but It is my wedding Hernie! My fiancé insists that his father attend, otherwise he is calling it off! Hernie what should I do. I don’t want to be embarrassed at my wedding, nor do I want my guest having to but up with his foul stench or boorish behaviour! At my engagement party, he went around grabbing all the women’s tits! Otherwise he is a fabulous man!
Did I forget to mention that my future father in law is filthy rich? I am talking billions and my fiance is his only child. Despite concerns, I dearly love my future father in law. Signed apprehensive in Omaha.
Dear Apprehensive, go get your head read….please! Here’s the todo ; 1. The drunk asshole is rich. 2. Your prospective husband knows this, so will put up with foul odours and drunkenness for a few hours here and there in order to preserve his inheritance, capiche dummy? 3. The wedding is just one day out of your life. Put up with the foul-smelling drunkard and reap the future benefits. He is going to die some day. If you and your fiancé are still married then you can have a proper ‘wedding’ with all the bells and whistles. 4. The drunk asshole is rich. 5. The drunk asshole is rich. Is you future father in law married? If he isn’t give me his number. I could give him some counseling for his problems. Use your brain and womanly wiles, but you are from Omaha that must explain your stupidity! Good luck on your upcoming nuptials you’ll need it, sheesh!
Hernie, the anti-advice columnist.
Born, born to be alive (Won’t you be alive) You see you were born Born, born (Born to be alive)
People ask me why I never find a place to stop And settle down, down, down But I never wanted all those things People need to justify Their lives, lives, lives
You see you were Born, born, born to be alive (Born to be alive) You see you were Born, born, born (Born to be alive) It’s good to be alive To be alive To be alive
It’s good to be alive To be alive To be alive
It’s good to be alive
Time was on my side When I was running down the street It was so fine, fine, fine A suitcase and an old guitar And something new to occupy My mind, mind, mind
You see you were born, born Born to be alive (Born to be alive) You see you were born, born, born (Born to be alive) You see you were born, born Born to be alive (Born to be alive) You see you were born, born, born (Born to be alive) You see you were born, born Born to be alive (Born to be alive) You see you were born, born, born (To be alive) Born, born to be alive (Born to be alive) You see you were born, born, born (Born to be alive) Born, born to be alive
Nuff Said, if this doesn’t bust your gut, nothing will!