Are you a tightwad with the dollars? Looking for a cheap way to prepare X -mas dinner? This advice is for you, call it my gift to all the posters on here!:

A Cheapskates guide to preparing X-mas Dinner

Just throw the turkey in a pot and boil it, chuck some salt and pepper on it. Go to the local cafeteria at school or work and swipe salt and pepper packets on a daily basis or at least whenever you are there. You can go to the store and purchase aluminum disposable pans for cooking or boiling the turkey. Personally, I prefer boiling the turkey, it’s quicker!

If you can’t afford a real turkey, then get a prefabricated turkey roll and do the same thing..

Purchase some Kraft dinner, throw some onions and tomatoes in it, bring it to a boil and throw it in a plastic storage dish or the garbage, depending on how it comes out. Kraft dinner makes a wonderful side-dish!

Throw some carrots and potatoes in a pot(don’t forget to peel the potatoes!) Oh yeah, put some water in it to boil the vegetables!

Get some frozen corn(preferably no name, it’s cheaper).

If you can’t afford real potatoes get some fake ones, again, preferably no name.

Mix the potatoes with lard if you don’t want to purchase butter, margarine or yogurt. Powdered milk works wonders!

Always check out the rotted vegetable section in the grocery store(usually referred to as the ‘sale’ section in the vegetable aisle). You can always cut out the rotted parts, besides which, being cheap, you can purchase tons of them.

If you come across any road kill during your meanderings, use the parts that aren’t to badly rotted. Who knows, if the carcass is big enough, you may be able to use the skin to make coats, footwear and …handbags! Besides, this is environmentally sound for all you tree buggers, I mean huggers, out there. I have heard that rat and mouse meat tastes suspiciously like chicken.

For dessert, you can go to the ‘day old’ bread(probably ten days old!) and purchase moldy, stale bread to make bread pudding. You can employ this method with doughnuts too! Maybe you can pass the moldy bits off as raisins!

Cake? Get some no name cake mix at the grocery store. Mix it, throw it in a pan and bake it for an hour or so. Hopefully, it will come out okay if it doesn’t burn!. Hey, the burnt parts oftentimes are the best part of the cake!

Buy some rotted fruit, again at the sales table, cut off the rotted part, wash the cut up pieces and throw it over the cake. If you are not that health conscious, buy some no name icing and spread it over the cake.

Purchase paper plates and plastic cutlery at a dollar store, after all, who wants to wash dishes after.

Finally, if you and your guest can stomach the above culinary delights without the aid of Maalox and ex-lax, you’ve got a hardier constitution than I do! If your guest(s) complain as to the quality of the meal, tell, or scream this at them; “You knew I am a cheapskate so why the he** did you accept my invitation to Christmas dinner a**holes? This is where the apparent wisdom of using paper plates comes in also. If your guest throws one at you, the worst injury you will sustain is a paper cut. Since there is nothing open, good luck trying to get something else to eat! Give them a bottle of Pepto Bismol or Maalox and send them on their way! They will be pi**ed off, but glad to be gone!

Merry X-mas, or conversely, Bah humbug, whatever your mode of celebration! Bon appetit!!! And a partridge in a pear tree, la de da!