Posts Tagged Tomfuckery
Dear Hernie, help!!!!
I have been married for five years to an otherwise lovely man! I have ten children from a previous marriage eight of whom still live with us although they are adults. He has three adult children who are employed in good jobs and live on their own. Hernie, here’s the problem, we are constantly fighting over the kids, his and mine! He is constantly ragging on me to tell my kids to get jobs and move out! Hernie, they are still ‘finding’ themselves! He complains about the grocery bills, heating bills, and other living expenses. He claims my kids ‘eat him out of house and home’! His kids rarely come over and when they do, they do not stay long. Their dad meets them outside the home mostly. I get the impression they look down on me! Help Hernie, this marriage is going nowhere fast!
Dear ‘I have ten children’, there is a sucker born every minute, evidently your husband is one of them! Eight adult kids still at home? Throw the fuckers out and tell them to get jobs, whatever comes first! As for your husband? Why on earth would he have married you? Can you lick the chrome off a fender or something? On second thought, you are not as dumb as you sound to have snagged such a husband. Hell, most men would have run from a woman like you. Why don’t you share your secret? Are you from Mississippi by chance? Perhaps you are a hillbilly from Tennessee? Whatever the case, that man should cut his losses and hightail it out of this marriage before your eight ‘adult’ kids and yourself ruin him financially. What say you? In any case, fuck off and get a life! Here’s a video that brings you to mind:
P.S. You should have kept your legs crossed and your drawers up!
Hernie the anti-advice, advice columnist!
Are you a tightwad with the dollars? Looking for a cheap way to prepare X -mas dinner? This advice is for you, call it my gift to all the posters on here!:
A Cheapskates guide to preparing X-mas Dinner
Just throw the turkey in a pot and boil it, chuck some salt and pepper on it. Go to the local cafeteria at school or work and swipe salt and pepper packets on a daily basis or at least whenever you are there. You can go to the store and purchase aluminum disposable pans for cooking or boiling the turkey. Personally, I prefer boiling the turkey, it’s quicker!
If you can’t afford a real turkey, then get a prefabricated turkey roll and do the same thing..
Purchase some Kraft dinner, throw some onions and tomatoes in it, bring it to a boil and throw it in a plastic storage dish or the garbage, depending on how it comes out. Kraft dinner makes a wonderful side-dish!
Throw some carrots and potatoes in a pot(don’t forget to peel the potatoes!) Oh yeah, put some water in it to boil the vegetables!
Get some frozen corn(preferably no name, it’s cheaper).
If you can’t afford real potatoes get some fake ones, again, preferably no name.
Mix the potatoes with lard if you don’t want to purchase butter, margarine or yogurt. Powdered milk works wonders!
Always check out the rotted vegetable section in the grocery store(usually referred to as the ‘sale’ section in the vegetable aisle). You can always cut out the rotted parts, besides which, being cheap, you can purchase tons of them.
If you come across any road kill during your meanderings, use the parts that aren’t to badly rotted. Who knows, if the carcass is big enough, you may be able to use the skin to make coats, footwear and …handbags! Besides, this is environmentally sound for all you tree buggers, I mean huggers, out there. I have heard that rat and mouse meat tastes suspiciously like chicken.
For dessert, you can go to the ‘day old’ bread(probably ten days old!) and purchase moldy, stale bread to make bread pudding. You can employ this method with doughnuts too! Maybe you can pass the moldy bits off as raisins!
Cake? Get some no name cake mix at the grocery store. Mix it, throw it in a pan and bake it for an hour or so. Hopefully, it will come out okay if it doesn’t burn!. Hey, the burnt parts oftentimes are the best part of the cake!
Buy some rotted fruit, again at the sales table, cut off the rotted part, wash the cut up pieces and throw it over the cake. If you are not that health conscious, buy some no name icing and spread it over the cake.
Purchase paper plates and plastic cutlery at a dollar store, after all, who wants to wash dishes after.
Finally, if you and your guest can stomach the above culinary delights without the aid of Maalox and ex-lax, you’ve got a hardier constitution than I do! If your guest(s) complain as to the quality of the meal, tell, or scream this at them; “You knew I am a cheapskate so why the he** did you accept my invitation to Christmas dinner a**holes? This is where the apparent wisdom of using paper plates comes in also. If your guest throws one at you, the worst injury you will sustain is a paper cut. Since there is nothing open, good luck trying to get something else to eat! Give them a bottle of Pepto Bismol or Maalox and send them on their way! They will be pi**ed off, but glad to be gone!
Merry X-mas, or conversely, Bah humbug, whatever your mode of celebration! Bon appetit!!! And a partridge in a pear tree, la de da!
Let the hilarity commence! I remember reading that classic tome in goofery, ‘Chariots of the Gods’. The book, and those others of that type, claim, that the harbingers of civilization were aliens. Then there are the ones who claim that we, as a species were created by aliens(an experiment gone wrong as it turns out). These postulations or pustules, if you like, were made for many things, but in-depth analysis ain’t one of them. One thing they were made for however was the infinite fodder for hilarity inherent in these suppositions. I am going to do one of those ‘what if ‘ scenarios, that is if I can stop laughing long enough! Let the goofery commence, sirrah!
10,000 years ago in the wilds of Africa(These space ships always land in Africa or some other remote place where mankind doesn’t initially see them). The aliens are either here to research ‘man’, or are shipwrecked and must make do with what is available at the time ala Robinson Crusoe. In interacting with the lowly beast-like humanoids, they give them ‘knowledge’ that accelerate man’s evolution and development. Hence such ancient civilizations as the Egyptians, Mesopotamian, Inca, Aztec, Chinese, hell, anywhere where the inhabitants weren’t white, were created by aliens! Of course the white advanced civilizations started out of thin air. No aliens for them unless they were genetically engineered by the aliens! That explains their ‘superiority’ to others!
Not even a trashy dime novelist or serial writer could come up with some of this crap! Here’s my take on what an alien would do if the crash/landed on earth, it taint pretty but provides an insight into these ‘aliens’.
“On a wind blown night somewhere in bumf*ck nowhere, on a remote plain or forest, or savanna, take your pick, a UFO crashes/lands. Out pops tall gorgeous man whores, I mean aliens! Here’s two aliens fighting over some heifer whilst Tars Tarkas referees:
You see they are not that much different than humans! Guess what? Most of these aliens would be white or a reasonable facsimile thereof. However these aliens got here, they do the following; Take a look around, seek ‘intelligent’ life, which they do-not find. Smelly, filthy, half nekkid hairy assholes do-not count! It is at this point that Godzilla enters the picture devours some of the aliens, burps farts, and goes to sleep. Alternately, the alien gets back on their spaceship and hightails it out of there. If the alien crash lands, he proceeds to commit suicide by taking a flying leap off a cliff. My scenario would be over in about five to ten minutes of the alien landing. ‘They came, they saw, they fucked off!’
Another alternative view? Perhaps this is indeed a vacation spot ala the Predator movies. This is according to those who posit that aliens taught the ancient societies their advanced culture/knowledge. In this scenario, they would have treated the humans like pets. You see, they probably missed Fluorite, from their home planet:
Or perhaps *()&^%$#(no equivalent in the human tongue): At least )(*&^%, doesn’t try to hump your leg or sniff your crotch! The only thing they taught these humans was to jump, sit, stay, roll over and such. Such was their regard for the lowly humans. They viewed the humans at best as reminders of their beloved pets back on Uranus or nuisances to be avoided at all costs! In any case, they did not stick around for longer than they had to!
For those of you who believe that the aliens fostered these ancient cultures, perhaps you also believe in Santa Claus. So be it, now go play with Uranus!