Archive for category Bullshit!
He was hung like a horse! That got your attention eh? Bunch of pigs! I only run a clean blog! Anywho I wanted to write about my travails with driving. Tweren’t pretty!
I went for my first Driver’s test and failed! Well, the test started out easily until the tester told me to parallel park! There were mounds of snow along the sides of the road! Anyways, I did as she instructed and ended up backing into a snow bank. Well, it took me about five motherfucking minutes to get out of the fucking snow bank. Did I write I run a ‘clean’ blog? I lied.
Let me give you a little background on myself when it comes to getting nervous. I get gaseous when nervous. Compounded with the hilarious thoughts popping into my head, are the silent killer emissions emanating from my rectum. Well once this happens, I start laughing! Well, I couldn’t laugh as the tester was getting progressively agitated. Imagine trying to hold your buttocks together and not laugh out loud while doing it! Torture! This fucked up the rest of the test. Imagine trying to suppress your laughter and gas at the same time. Anywho, it was downhill from there, I failed!
I had an invaluable experience, though; next time take Bromo Seltzer and ex-lax the night before the test! I rebooked. I need a fucking car!
Folks, there is something wrong with me. I am in a constant state of hilarity! Things other people cry at or are frightened of, I laugh at. I remember seeing that movie ‘The Exorcist’. It scared the shit out of most people, but I laughed at the scenes where the girl’s head turned, and she spews vomit and cuss words whilst floating in the air. Most people tell me they couldn’t sleep after seeing this. I couldn’t either because my gut hurt. There was another movie called ‘Legion’ about angels invading to bring about the ‘Apocalypse’. Well, I almost pissed my drawers! I was prostrate on the floor (it’s a good thing I was at home).
I also laugh when people wipe out in the snow. I have slipped and wiped out in the snow many a time to the point where I have learned to relax while falling. Once, I slipped and fell on my back and had a hard time getting up due to the icy pavement. An ignorant asshole passed by, took one look, smiled and kept going. Suffice it to say; I eventually managed to get up without wiping out again. The memory still brings a chuckle.
I was taking driving lessons and ran the car over a street sign! My response? Peals of laughter. If I’m on the subway, and I see someone acting ‘bizarrely’ I will observe the observers of the loon’s behaviour. Their reactions slay me. Do you know what it’s like to want to laugh and you can’t? Torture. I had a mentally ill man come up to me and start swearing and screaming at me. I daren’t laugh lest it propel him to worse actions. I ignored him, and he went on to some other woman who smiled at him cussing me out. It wasn’t until the bus came and the man left was I able to laugh it off. I had a drug addict come up to me on the streetcar asking to lend him ten dollars. By the time he got to me, he managed to harass and intimidate every woman on the streetcar. I asked him why he needed ten dollars. He told me he was going to buy ‘crack’, then go and see his probation officer. I asked him how he would pay me back; after he ‘got out of jail’ he replied. I told him I didn’t have ten dollars for him to buy ‘crack’. The streetcar driver told him to get off the streetcar eventually after hasrassing all those women on the streetcar. He told the streetcar driver to ‘fuck off’ as a parting gesture.
Why write this bullshit? I am in a jocular frame of mind and had to blow some of it off. Everyone needs a hobby. One of my hobbies is writing bullshit on a blog albeit intermittently.
Hi folks! I have just come up with a brilliant idea for a series of posts! I aim to write posts on people’s’ favorite white racists! I love the comic fodder they offer! Folks if you have any suggestions, place them in the comments section. Let the hilarity commence!
Anyone have any favorites?
Dear Hernie, help!!!!
I have been married for five years to an otherwise lovely man! I have ten children from a previous marriage eight of whom still live with us although they are adults. He has three adult children who are employed in good jobs and live on their own. Hernie, here’s the problem, we are constantly fighting over the kids, his and mine! He is constantly ragging on me to tell my kids to get jobs and move out! Hernie, they are still ‘finding’ themselves! He complains about the grocery bills, heating bills, and other living expenses. He claims my kids ‘eat him out of house and home’! His kids rarely come over and when they do, they do not stay long. Their dad meets them outside the home mostly. I get the impression they look down on me! Help Hernie, this marriage is going nowhere fast!
Dear ‘I have ten children’, there is a sucker born every minute, evidently your husband is one of them! Eight adult kids still at home? Throw the fuckers out and tell them to get jobs, whatever comes first! As for your husband? Why on earth would he have married you? Can you lick the chrome off a fender or something? On second thought, you are not as dumb as you sound to have snagged such a husband. Hell, most men would have run from a woman like you. Why don’t you share your secret? Are you from Mississippi by chance? Perhaps you are a hillbilly from Tennessee? Whatever the case, that man should cut his losses and hightail it out of this marriage before your eight ‘adult’ kids and yourself ruin him financially. What say you? In any case, fuck off and get a life! Here’s a video that brings you to mind:
P.S. You should have kept your legs crossed and your drawers up!
Hernie the anti-advice, advice columnist!