Archive for category Whatever
Folks, there is something wrong with me. I am in a constant state of hilarity! Things other people cry at or are frightened of, I laugh at. I remember seeing that movie ‘The Exorcist’. It scared the shit out of most people, but I laughed at the scenes where the girl’s head turned, and she spews vomit and cuss words whilst floating in the air. Most people tell me they couldn’t sleep after seeing this. I couldn’t either because my gut hurt. There was another movie called ‘Legion’ about angels invading to bring about the ‘Apocalypse’. Well, I almost pissed my drawers! I was prostrate on the floor (it’s a good thing I was at home).
I also laugh when people wipe out in the snow. I have slipped and wiped out in the snow many a time to the point where I have learned to relax while falling. Once, I slipped and fell on my back and had a hard time getting up due to the icy pavement. An ignorant asshole passed by, took one look, smiled and kept going. Suffice it to say; I eventually managed to get up without wiping out again. The memory still brings a chuckle.
I was taking driving lessons and ran the car over a street sign! My response? Peals of laughter. If I’m on the subway, and I see someone acting ‘bizarrely’ I will observe the observers of the loon’s behaviour. Their reactions slay me. Do you know what it’s like to want to laugh and you can’t? Torture. I had a mentally ill man come up to me and start swearing and screaming at me. I daren’t laugh lest it propel him to worse actions. I ignored him, and he went on to some other woman who smiled at him cussing me out. It wasn’t until the bus came and the man left was I able to laugh it off. I had a drug addict come up to me on the streetcar asking to lend him ten dollars. By the time he got to me, he managed to harass and intimidate every woman on the streetcar. I asked him why he needed ten dollars. He told me he was going to buy ‘crack’, then go and see his probation officer. I asked him how he would pay me back; after he ‘got out of jail’ he replied. I told him I didn’t have ten dollars for him to buy ‘crack’. The streetcar driver told him to get off the streetcar eventually after hasrassing all those women on the streetcar. He told the streetcar driver to ‘fuck off’ as a parting gesture.
Why write this bullshit? I am in a jocular frame of mind and had to blow some of it off. Everyone needs a hobby. One of my hobbies is writing bullshit on a blog albeit intermittently.
Good day! I received these letters from some clowns! I shit you not! It goes thus, first letter:
“Dear Hernie, I think I may have a problem! I have been married for 20 years to a wonderful, caring man. He is very attentive and a good provider. He even praises my cooking, (I can’t cook worth shit). He tells me constantly that he loves me and brings me presents such as bon bons and chocolates(Belgian). Our love life is regular considering all the headaches I suffer from.
Hernie, something strange has been happening in the last few months and it finally came to a head last night. My husband was working another overtime shift last evening. He got home around midnight looking exhausted. I offered to warm up a can of pork and beans and run a bubble bath for him. Whilst he was getting into the bath tub, I notices lipstick marks on his nut sac, I mean scrotum. Hernie, do you thing he has been cheating?”
In a word probably. Now the questions to be asked, the the solutions to be proffered are as follows:
1. How much income does he make a year? The reason I ask? It might not be to your advantage if he has a low paying job, to divorce. Getting half or little of nothing isn’t worth the cost. You may be able to get extras such as clothes, perfume, or a trip to the Bingo parlour. In other words, extort concessions out of him. If he has a low paying job, he may not wish to get a divorce. He may want to go to counseling, barring that, get him a case of liquor. He will be too drunk to do anything or go anywhere. If he is rich or has a high paying job which requires a facade of respectability, then threaten divorce! Shit, divorce him and take everything you can!
2. You wrote that he had lipstick marks on his scrotum? Well you can do two things, ask him where he got the lipstick marks from. Perhaps he was experimenting as he is a closet cross dresser. Look at it on the bright side whatever answer he provides, you will not have to put out as he is sleeping/pumping someone else. Your headaches may become a thing of the past as a result. You can turn a blind eye to his shenanigans as long as he keeps the pay cheques coming. Make sure he isn’t spending money on the whore, taking her to dinner, to flea bitten motels, or buying her cheap perfume, every penny counts as long as it’s in your account!
3. Your third option is to throw caution to the wind and pump the milk man. Are you for real?
“Dear Hernie, I have been dating a wonderful woman for the last fifteen years. However, she is an alcoholic. When drunk, which is most of the time, she is violent, promiscuous and foul tempered! When drunk, she berates me in public calling me names such as motherfucker, cocksucker and a piece of shit! To say this is embarrassing is an understatement! Many a time I’ve had to bail her out of jail for public drunkenness and brawling. Hernie, I don’t know how long I can put up with this. This isn’t recent, she became like this after a year and a half of dating! Help Hernie!
Dear jackass, dump the broad! You read like you are a few cards short of a deck yourself, either that you are a masochist! Grow some balls! Good day!
“Oh I wish I was in Dixie hurrah hurrah”!
Beware the kerchief head! Yes folks, they are dangerous! They will do anything and everything to fuck you up either wittingly or unwittingly! Here is a list of some types of these self-hating toe rags! The list is not exhaustible! More’s the pity!
1. The white washed clown. The black person who loves all things white at the expense of their own culture. While a healthy person can and does enjoy aspects of diverse cultures, these buffoons worship the ground that the white folk walk on and will denigrate, deride and insult their own culture and folk. No, we are not all alike nor should we subscribe to a herd mentality. However, knowing thyself is loving thyself. There is nothing wrong with liking other modes of speech, music or cuisine for that matter, just don’t down your own. For these fools, white is always right!
2. The back stabbing negro! They will stab you in the back, sabotage your projects at work, spread scurrilous rumours against you at work especially if you are one of the few negroes or negresses high up within a company! They will treat other blacks in a disdainful manner, all towards the goal of advancement. If you are a self aware Negro, they will play on that, knowing you will not take it anywhere as you don’t want to hurt your own kind. They do not see the forest for the trees which will allow them to make such colour blind statements as, “I am an individual not just a negro, there is more to me than just my colour”! Too bad the average white doesn’t see you as such. Fellow blacks know you are an individual unfortunately many whites don’t. Even when they are asked such seemingly stupid questions; ‘why do black people____insert inane question, thinking you are on hand solely to give them lessens in negrology, they jump for joy. These particular kerchief heads are clueless and think these whites are trying to educate themselves by asking inane questions they would never dream of asking another white person except in jest. But then again, there are also many dumb and clueless white folk out there! Two dummies don’t make it right! These kerchief heads will only oblige as they themselves are not like the other negroes and they revel in the chance to kiss a white person’s backside. These clowns are bombarded on a daily basis with micro-aggressions but will deny, deny, deny them until they drop dead of a heart attack or a stroke, or realize what day it is and succumb to bitterness and, or, depression. There are other traits too many to enumerate here, sad but true folks!
3. The ol shuck and jive artist!
At least with this poor sod, shucking and jiving may have been one of the few avenues where he could have actually made a fairly good living. What’s up with today performers not to mention the every day shuck and jive artist? Whites love it when you sing rap songs about bitches, committing crimes and other unsavory practices. It makes them feel good to look down on the negroes in a patriarchal manner. Modern day minstrels I call them. Those negroes and their shenanigans!
4. Treating other blacks as if they are shit because ‘you are not like them dammit!’ You’re a rare breed, someone who ‘speaks’ properly, isn’t loud, does not have unwanted children by different fathers, isn’t on welfare, does not indulge in a profligate lifestyles, doesn’t speak in slang or black dialects such as Ebonics or patois, doesn’t dress in ‘loud’ tight fitting clothes, doesn’t curse and carry on in public(something I have made a hobby of!); in other words, the requisite stereotypes which are ascribed to blacks as a whole by whites. No sir, you ain’t one of them, you are a good negro!
5. The buffoon who goes around acting out the very stereotypes about black folk that most white people are conversant with. They play up these stereotypes to the hilt in order to make some cash or to give their non existent ego a boost when whites laugh and chuckle at their antics, or love the fact that their stereotypes about blacks have been confirmed. Many of today’s entertainers fit into this mold. They will down their own kind but unlike # 4, revel in their self-hatred and hatred by extension of fellow blacks if it will get them ahead.
6. The clueless dumb fuck who doesn’t realize they are being taken for a ride but will go for the ride none the less. I actually pity these suckers. These are the ones who are devastated when they realize that all their white behind kissing doesn’t get them anywhere. These are the ones who are plagued with stress related ailments and profess to not know why. For those that do finally realize, they are devastated. I have personally seen the effects at close quarters on these types, not all black but other racialized people. It seems the more white behind you kiss, the more devastating the effects.
I could go on and on and on and on…… My advice? Don’t get too complacent, we all suffer from some form of kerchief headism, it varies. Some are fortunate and have managed to denude themselves of most of this scourge. However, knowing what day it is goes a long way in ridding oneself of its’ deleterious effect! I think I’ll go and curse out my neighbour now. Good day!
Folks, I will not be posting anything ‘serious’ for a while as I am involved in a dispute involving systemic racism. I was intending to do posts on more ‘serious’ topics as I attempt to improve my writing skills(don’t laugh, I already am). As this dispute is important, I do not have the time to devote to researching, planning posts etc. As a result, I am relegated to writing nonsense that pops out of my head for the most part, and other posts in a humorous vein(ode to Thor for example). I will continue to post nonsensical or satirical posts(a matter of definition I suppose), though. There are too many absurdities out there not to. Since I usually do this off the cuff it provides a break from more serious endeavors, such as this systemic racism dispute. Laughter is a great stress reliever! I love a great laugh especially when it comes from an absurd mindset or a real life situation! Take care my sole reader! Good day!