Archive for category Broads

Hernie’s Skin Care Philosophy!!!!!


Folks are any of you skin care junkies?  Well I am.  However, I have overcome this addiction and whittled down my skin care regime to a great extent.  I used to buy all sorts of shit with lunatic claims!  I especially love the ones which claim to make you look ten, twenty, and  thirty to fifty years younger!  Will  these potions make an unborn child cease to exist I often wondered?  These claims are always amazing and usually costs you an arm and a leg!    Try reading the ‘ingredients’ on some of the labels folks!  They are deliberately designed to flummox you!  Why there are enough chemicals in some of these product to start your own chemical plant.

Chemical peel plant. Moose crotch Montana.

“I sell skin products which will make you look younger automatically!”  “My skin cream can make you look 20 years younger”!  “What, you are only nineteen years old?”  “Well you’ll regress to a fetus”! 

Hi! I feel twenty years younger after using this cream! Oh shit! I won’t be able to go on that date Saturday night, I’ll have to be reborn!

Well I am here to give you an alternative to all this chemical shit which in the long run ruins your skin!  My motto is;  ‘If you can’t eat it don’t put it on your skin.  What do I use now?  Unrefined Shea butter; African Black Soap;Soaps from soap crafts persons made the old fashioned way with natural ingredients and ‘cured;’jojoba oil oil(a misnomer as it is actually a wax);vegetable oils such as olive oil, soy oil, hazelnut oil, there are literally dozens of oils which can be mixed and matched, each having properties suited to the skin and hair.    My personal favourite is the jojoba oil.  Castile soap is also great for cleaning or using on your body.  If you’ve got pimples, jojoba oil is an excellent moisturizer to use(not that I have them).  Try it, experiment with it.  If nothing else it will put hair on your chest, better than growing a second head!

After using that chemical shitzoid cream, I grew another head. Two heads ain’t better than one. Cthulhu, you’ve got nothing on me!

 

Good day, or is it evening?

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herneith


Well good day folks.  Here are some letters I received!  They go thus:

Dear Hernie, help!  I have been dating this man for two weeks and I think he is leading me on.  He is currently unemployed, suffers from halitosis and has a problem with hygiene.  He also has a bad hair cut and no fashion sense whatsoever!   However, he is nice, pays from dinner at McDonald’s and holds my hand when we go for walks.  Whenever I phone the number he gave me I get a drunk, belligerent woman on the other line who tells me to “fuck off and stop calling my house, whore!”  She claims to be my new beau’s wife.  When I ask my new beau if he is married, he denies it.  Hernie, who is lying here?  After two weeks of courtship, I wish to know so I can move on!  Waiting with bated breath for your advice.

Dear ‘bated breath’,or is it hot air?   What was your first clue?  His halitosis, poor fashion sense, or the cheap meals at McDonald’s followed by a walk in the park?  Or was it calling the number he gave you, and  consequently  having a harridan claiming to be his wife, cuss you out?  Perhaps it was the fact that he is unemployed?  If you answered yes to any of the above, you’ve got problems and have had problems for some time now!  I suggest you drop this sucker of two weeks, and hie yourself off to a psychiatrist, better yet, sign yourself in to the local mental hospital!  Either that or just get a life!  Sheesh!

Letter #2:

Dear Hernie, Please help!  It’s my mother in law!  She constantly criticizes me to my husband of 40 years and has done so since the early days of our marriage!  She criticizes my cooking, house keeping skills and child rearing!   Here’s my house Hernie, judge for yourself as to my house keeping.  I am not the most clean house keeper but consider myself to be average!:

Here’s the dining room. A bit messy but average for most people!

My living room. A bit untidy, but again nothing out of the ordinary!

I have even taught my cat Snookums how to use the toilet!

As for my cooking:

Toasted Sardine Sandwiches! One of my husband’s favourites!

My signature dish, pork and beans and wieners casserole!

Not one of my best efforts for desserts but hey, at least I try!

Here’s my darling kids!

My eldest Junior! Handsome devil ain’t he? 40 years old, hasn’t held down a job in 20 years but at least he helps in the yard! He’ll find himself eventually!

My middle child and only daughter Joella! Joella’s a great baker as you can see. It is too bad she has eight illegitimate kids for as many fathers and still lives at home!

My little fart biscuit Todd Willy! He has had problems in the past with liquor but most of the menfolk around here do as well as his daddy! He only drinks on weekends now!

Like I said, the average American family.  Tell me Hernie, how do I deal with my mother in law?  The beleaguered daughter in law!

Well after looking at those eyesores I’d say she was right!  Where do you hail from?  On second thought, I don’t want to know.   Your mother in law is right about you.  I would like to extend my advice to her and tell her to get the hell out of your lives lest she catch some disease judging from your obscenely filthy home.  There are still diseases out there undiscovered.  Perhaps the WHO should go to your house and take samples!  As for those kids of yours?  Walking advertisements for celibacy.   Get a life loser and leave your mother in law alone!  Where’s your husband?  Drunk on the couch?  He’d have to be!

Hernie, the anti-advice advice columnist!

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Are White Men Ugly or is it White Women Who Make Them So?


Are White Men Ugly or is it White Women Who Make Them So?

I’ll take a quarter pounder with cheese! Make that a half dozen quarter pounders. A working man has to eat!

Well, I will say this though, at least he is employed! How much longer he’ll be breathing is another question. I hope his wife has insurance!

The white woman in all her glory only wants the best. The best bread winner, a man that is 6’8, looks like a body builder, can throw down in the bedroom, dresses impeccably, has a sensitive nature, most of all knows his place! After all, as the arbiters of beauty in the western world, she will need a comparable mate. But hold on. Looks ain’t everything you say? No they ain’t! A white woman can look like this:

Where’s my old man? He went out for a loaf of bread and never came back!

But she will still expect to get something like this:

Do you like my man titays?

What she in all reality will end up with, is someone like this:

I’m Too Sexy For My Small Schlong Underwear!

If he is bringing home a big enough pay check, that will be more than compensatory! Nothing like a huge pay check! You see, a white woman is entitled to the best! Media proves this. The lowlier women on the totem pole are shit out of luck! A black woman in most instances has to settle for this:

Hey baby, like what you see? White women need not apply !

Yowza!!

Asian women have to settle for this:

Like what you see? There are plenty of more of this where I come from!

It makes one weep don’t it?

When a white woman looks like this:

I can get any coloured man I want! I am white! What do looks have to do with It?(triple bagger In Teenage Boy parlance)

She will still want the best. and why not? She is the epitome of beauty! Even if she ain’t all that and a bag of chips, so what! She is white, that is all she needs! Millions of racialized men can attest to this. If she can’t get her ideal white man, she can always go for the ‘lesser’ racialized man for who will have to be over and above the best white man. You see, her white skin is the trade off!

Should a white men possess the attributes hitherto alluded to previously, than watch out! Those broads will go toe to toe to get one. Unfortunately, most white men don’t look like male models or hunks! What’s a white woman to do?  Go for the good old pocketbook! This more than makes up for disparity in looks! Sure the white woman finds the white man ugly but a healthy and huge pay check more than makes up for this!

 Some advice to white men, invest in Tylenol, you’ll need it!

,

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World’s Greatest Come on Lines!


Ever been accosted by some clown saying filthy things to you by way of a come on?  This has happened to me!  I am going to list these lines and my responses!

1. Sit on my face baby!

Response:  Is your nose bigger than your prick?

2.  How big are your tits?

Response:  The same as your mother’s, give or take a few inches.

3.  Can I have your number?

Response:  911, if I don’t show up, someone else will!

4.  I’m going to meet you after work

Response:  Good!  I’ve got a baseball bat with your name engraved on it!  Still interested?

5.  You really want it!

Response:  Yes, well people in hell want ice water!

6.  Blow me bitch!

Response:  I’d need a magnifying glass and a pair of tweezers first!

7.  The man grabs his genital area lustfully and invites you to have some.

Response:  Oh my god!  You’re hung like a field mouse!  Alternatively: “Is that a tooth pick?

8.   How about some of my Kielbasa(Polish salami)?

Response:  Sorry, already ate!  Besides which, I don’t like Polish salami!

9.  I wouldn’t want you anyways, you fucking ugly bitch!

Response:  Oh good, we have established that you will approach ‘fucking ugly’ bitches out of desperation.  What does that say about you?  That you are a fucking moron and a sore loser.

10.  I can get any woman into bed with my lines.  It’s 100% successful!

Response:  You see that hot 6’4 hunk o’ man over there?  The goof looks over to where you are pointing.  Um Yeah, so what?  Me:  Can you give me some of your lines to use on him?

11.  Have we met before?

Response:  Yes, in my nightmares!

12.  Your ass and my face!

Response:  My fist and your face!

13.  Do you have some Italian(or insert some other ethnicity) in You?

Response:  Ah, nooo…

Clown:  Do you want some in you?

Response:  No.  Save your lame come on for some bimbo who will actually be flattered and receptive to your ‘charms’, cause I sure as hell ain’t.  Now fuck off and make it snappy!

The all time classic!

I was walking by a bank with a ledge on it to cross the street.  A bum was sprawled on the ledge with his hand out, resting his head on his other hand.  He was begging for change in a nonchalant way.  I made the mistake of catching his eye!  He asked me for any spare change I had.  I said no.  His reply?  “I guess a blow job is out of the question the”?   What could I do but laugh!

Come on lines can be hilarious as you see!  Some words of advice, make sure there are others around when you say your comeback line(s)!  Carry heavy books in your purse as they come in handy for self-defense!  If all else fails, run!!!!

August 23, 2010

 

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