Archive for category Relationships?
Folks, there is something wrong with me. I am in a constant state of hilarity! Things other people cry at or are frightened of, I laugh at. I remember seeing that movie ‘The Exorcist’. It scared the shit out of most people, but I laughed at the scenes where the girl’s head turned, and she spews vomit and cuss words whilst floating in the air. Most people tell me they couldn’t sleep after seeing this. I couldn’t either because my gut hurt. There was another movie called ‘Legion’ about angels invading to bring about the ‘Apocalypse’. Well, I almost pissed my drawers! I was prostrate on the floor (it’s a good thing I was at home).
I also laugh when people wipe out in the snow. I have slipped and wiped out in the snow many a time to the point where I have learned to relax while falling. Once, I slipped and fell on my back and had a hard time getting up due to the icy pavement. An ignorant asshole passed by, took one look, smiled and kept going. Suffice it to say; I eventually managed to get up without wiping out again. The memory still brings a chuckle.
I was taking driving lessons and ran the car over a street sign! My response? Peals of laughter. If I’m on the subway, and I see someone acting ‘bizarrely’ I will observe the observers of the loon’s behaviour. Their reactions slay me. Do you know what it’s like to want to laugh and you can’t? Torture. I had a mentally ill man come up to me and start swearing and screaming at me. I daren’t laugh lest it propel him to worse actions. I ignored him, and he went on to some other woman who smiled at him cussing me out. It wasn’t until the bus came and the man left was I able to laugh it off. I had a drug addict come up to me on the streetcar asking to lend him ten dollars. By the time he got to me, he managed to harass and intimidate every woman on the streetcar. I asked him why he needed ten dollars. He told me he was going to buy ‘crack’, then go and see his probation officer. I asked him how he would pay me back; after he ‘got out of jail’ he replied. I told him I didn’t have ten dollars for him to buy ‘crack’. The streetcar driver told him to get off the streetcar eventually after hasrassing all those women on the streetcar. He told the streetcar driver to ‘fuck off’ as a parting gesture.
Why write this bullshit? I am in a jocular frame of mind and had to blow some of it off. Everyone needs a hobby. One of my hobbies is writing bullshit on a blog albeit intermittently.
Dear Hernie, help!!!!
I have been married for five years to an otherwise lovely man! I have ten children from a previous marriage eight of whom still live with us although they are adults. He has three adult children who are employed in good jobs and live on their own. Hernie, here’s the problem, we are constantly fighting over the kids, his and mine! He is constantly ragging on me to tell my kids to get jobs and move out! Hernie, they are still ‘finding’ themselves! He complains about the grocery bills, heating bills, and other living expenses. He claims my kids ‘eat him out of house and home’! His kids rarely come over and when they do, they do not stay long. Their dad meets them outside the home mostly. I get the impression they look down on me! Help Hernie, this marriage is going nowhere fast!
Dear ‘I have ten children’, there is a sucker born every minute, evidently your husband is one of them! Eight adult kids still at home? Throw the fuckers out and tell them to get jobs, whatever comes first! As for your husband? Why on earth would he have married you? Can you lick the chrome off a fender or something? On second thought, you are not as dumb as you sound to have snagged such a husband. Hell, most men would have run from a woman like you. Why don’t you share your secret? Are you from Mississippi by chance? Perhaps you are a hillbilly from Tennessee? Whatever the case, that man should cut his losses and hightail it out of this marriage before your eight ‘adult’ kids and yourself ruin him financially. What say you? In any case, fuck off and get a life! Here’s a video that brings you to mind:
P.S. You should have kept your legs crossed and your drawers up!
Hernie the anti-advice, advice columnist!
Good day! I received these letters from some clowns! I shit you not! It goes thus, first letter:
“Dear Hernie, I think I may have a problem! I have been married for 20 years to a wonderful, caring man. He is very attentive and a good provider. He even praises my cooking, (I can’t cook worth shit). He tells me constantly that he loves me and brings me presents such as bon bons and chocolates(Belgian). Our love life is regular considering all the headaches I suffer from.
Hernie, something strange has been happening in the last few months and it finally came to a head last night. My husband was working another overtime shift last evening. He got home around midnight looking exhausted. I offered to warm up a can of pork and beans and run a bubble bath for him. Whilst he was getting into the bath tub, I notices lipstick marks on his nut sac, I mean scrotum. Hernie, do you thing he has been cheating?”
In a word probably. Now the questions to be asked, the the solutions to be proffered are as follows:
1. How much income does he make a year? The reason I ask? It might not be to your advantage if he has a low paying job, to divorce. Getting half or little of nothing isn’t worth the cost. You may be able to get extras such as clothes, perfume, or a trip to the Bingo parlour. In other words, extort concessions out of him. If he has a low paying job, he may not wish to get a divorce. He may want to go to counseling, barring that, get him a case of liquor. He will be too drunk to do anything or go anywhere. If he is rich or has a high paying job which requires a facade of respectability, then threaten divorce! Shit, divorce him and take everything you can!
2. You wrote that he had lipstick marks on his scrotum? Well you can do two things, ask him where he got the lipstick marks from. Perhaps he was experimenting as he is a closet cross dresser. Look at it on the bright side whatever answer he provides, you will not have to put out as he is sleeping/pumping someone else. Your headaches may become a thing of the past as a result. You can turn a blind eye to his shenanigans as long as he keeps the pay cheques coming. Make sure he isn’t spending money on the whore, taking her to dinner, to flea bitten motels, or buying her cheap perfume, every penny counts as long as it’s in your account!
3. Your third option is to throw caution to the wind and pump the milk man. Are you for real?
“Dear Hernie, I have been dating a wonderful woman for the last fifteen years. However, she is an alcoholic. When drunk, which is most of the time, she is violent, promiscuous and foul tempered! When drunk, she berates me in public calling me names such as motherfucker, cocksucker and a piece of shit! To say this is embarrassing is an understatement! Many a time I’ve had to bail her out of jail for public drunkenness and brawling. Hernie, I don’t know how long I can put up with this. This isn’t recent, she became like this after a year and a half of dating! Help Hernie!
Dear jackass, dump the broad! You read like you are a few cards short of a deck yourself, either that you are a masochist! Grow some balls! Good day!
Looking for a leg over? Well look elsewhere clown! I am here to discuss women led relationships!:
This man’s crime? he burnt the wife’s dinner! Such is the female led relationship! Do as I say, not as I do as it were!
His crime? he forgot to take the garbage out! Such is the nature of these ‘relationships’!
I am a ‘to each her own’ type of broad, but some things beg for jokes and these types of ‘relationships’ are one. In these ‘relationships’, the woman gives the orders. Yes sir! Step out of line and kiss your ass goodbye! They got a name for everything these day. If there isn’t just make one up! Here’s a man engaging in erotic wrestling for the pleasure of his wife!
They say a woman’s place is in the kitchen. Well according to the woman led relationships, that is the man’s job! He goes to work, comes home, tidies, does a load of laundry and commences to prepare supper. What is the woman doing? Well she is ‘supervising’ her mate to ensure he does it right! After doing this, he runs a hot, bubble bath for the mistress. Woe betide the fool if the water is too hot! After bathing the woman lays on the bed to receive a full body massage. If the man is smart, he will provide some beverages for her and perhaps some snacks. Otherwise he may incur her wrath! That entails being whipped with a soggy noodle!
The most important factor in all of this is the pay cheque! Yes, if cheque is small, kick him the balls! In the ‘old days, they were called henpecked husbands. Now a days they have come up with this cockamamie mode of living as woman led relationships. Crack out the whips! Me, I prefer the type of relationship where the spouses help each other! For example; the man can carry the parcels whilst the woman shops. If the man likes to cook he can do it all the time. If he marries a she slob let him do the housework. You see, men can be useful if trained properly. If you have a dog, the only difference between him and the husband is, is when told to jump!; the dog can ask how high. The man knows to keep his mouth shut and just jump. Wait a minute, that sounds just like a woman led relationship! I better quit while still ahead. Again I quote my favourite cracker:
Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: the one promises happiness, doubtless the other assures it.
Good day to you!