Archive for category Anti-Advice Advice
Dear Hernie, help!!!!
I have been married for five years to an otherwise lovely man! I have ten children from a previous marriage eight of whom still live with us although they are adults. He has three adult children who are employed in good jobs and live on their own. Hernie, here’s the problem, we are constantly fighting over the kids, his and mine! He is constantly ragging on me to tell my kids to get jobs and move out! Hernie, they are still ‘finding’ themselves! He complains about the grocery bills, heating bills, and other living expenses. He claims my kids ‘eat him out of house and home’! His kids rarely come over and when they do, they do not stay long. Their dad meets them outside the home mostly. I get the impression they look down on me! Help Hernie, this marriage is going nowhere fast!
Dear ‘I have ten children’, there is a sucker born every minute, evidently your husband is one of them! Eight adult kids still at home? Throw the fuckers out and tell them to get jobs, whatever comes first! As for your husband? Why on earth would he have married you? Can you lick the chrome off a fender or something? On second thought, you are not as dumb as you sound to have snagged such a husband. Hell, most men would have run from a woman like you. Why don’t you share your secret? Are you from Mississippi by chance? Perhaps you are a hillbilly from Tennessee? Whatever the case, that man should cut his losses and hightail it out of this marriage before your eight ‘adult’ kids and yourself ruin him financially. What say you? In any case, fuck off and get a life! Here’s a video that brings you to mind:
P.S. You should have kept your legs crossed and your drawers up!
Hernie the anti-advice, advice columnist!
Dear Hernie, HELP!!!!! I am getting married in a few days but I have a major problem with my future father in law! I am getting married in a day and a half Hernie! My prospective father in law is a drunkard and a filthy bum, otherwise I love him dearly. He is a drunkard who belches, farts, shits and pisses himself indiscriminately. He cusses and swears like there is no tomorrow! I don’t want him at my wedding as you can smell him coming a mile off before you see him, he is a walking fart! Soap, deodorant and water are anathema to him. Under normal circumstances, I couldn’t care less but It is my wedding Hernie! My fiancé insists that his father attend, otherwise he is calling it off! Hernie what should I do. I don’t want to be embarrassed at my wedding, nor do I want my guest having to but up with his foul stench or boorish behaviour! At my engagement party, he went around grabbing all the women’s tits! Otherwise he is a fabulous man!
Did I forget to mention that my future father in law is filthy rich? I am talking billions and my fiance is his only child. Despite concerns, I dearly love my future father in law. Signed apprehensive in Omaha.
Dear Apprehensive, go get your head read….please! Here’s the todo ; 1. The drunk asshole is rich. 2. Your prospective husband knows this, so will put up with foul odours and drunkenness for a few hours here and there in order to preserve his inheritance, capiche dummy? 3. The wedding is just one day out of your life. Put up with the foul-smelling drunkard and reap the future benefits. He is going to die some day. If you and your fiancé are still married then you can have a proper ‘wedding’ with all the bells and whistles. 4. The drunk asshole is rich. 5. The drunk asshole is rich. Is you future father in law married? If he isn’t give me his number. I could give him some counseling for his problems. Use your brain and womanly wiles, but you are from Omaha that must explain your stupidity! Good luck on your upcoming nuptials you’ll need it, sheesh!
Hernie, the anti-advice columnist.
Folks are any of you skin care junkies? Well I am. However, I have overcome this addiction and whittled down my skin care regime to a great extent. I used to buy all sorts of shit with lunatic claims! I especially love the ones which claim to make you look ten, twenty, and thirty to fifty years younger! Will these potions make an unborn child cease to exist I often wondered? These claims are always amazing and usually costs you an arm and a leg! Try reading the ‘ingredients’ on some of the labels folks! They are deliberately designed to flummox you! Why there are enough chemicals in some of these product to start your own chemical plant.
“I sell skin products which will make you look younger automatically!” “My skin cream can make you look 20 years younger”! “What, you are only nineteen years old?” “Well you’ll regress to a fetus”!
Well I am here to give you an alternative to all this chemical shit which in the long run ruins your skin! My motto is; ‘If you can’t eat it don’t put it on your skin. What do I use now? Unrefined Shea butter; African Black Soap;Soaps from soap crafts persons made the old fashioned way with natural ingredients and ‘cured;’jojoba oil oil(a misnomer as it is actually a wax);vegetable oils such as olive oil, soy oil, hazelnut oil, there are literally dozens of oils which can be mixed and matched, each having properties suited to the skin and hair. My personal favourite is the jojoba oil. Castile soap is also great for cleaning or using on your body. If you’ve got pimples, jojoba oil is an excellent moisturizer to use(not that I have them). Try it, experiment with it. If nothing else it will put hair on your chest, better than growing a second head!
Good day, or is it evening?
Well good day folks. Here are some letters I received! They go thus:
Dear Hernie, help! I have been dating this man for two weeks and I think he is leading me on. He is currently unemployed, suffers from halitosis and has a problem with hygiene. He also has a bad hair cut and no fashion sense whatsoever! However, he is nice, pays from dinner at McDonald’s and holds my hand when we go for walks. Whenever I phone the number he gave me I get a drunk, belligerent woman on the other line who tells me to “fuck off and stop calling my house, whore!” She claims to be my new beau’s wife. When I ask my new beau if he is married, he denies it. Hernie, who is lying here? After two weeks of courtship, I wish to know so I can move on! Waiting with bated breath for your advice.
Dear ‘bated breath’,or is it hot air? What was your first clue? His halitosis, poor fashion sense, or the cheap meals at McDonald’s followed by a walk in the park? Or was it calling the number he gave you, and consequently having a harridan claiming to be his wife, cuss you out? Perhaps it was the fact that he is unemployed? If you answered yes to any of the above, you’ve got problems and have had problems for some time now! I suggest you drop this sucker of two weeks, and hie yourself off to a psychiatrist, better yet, sign yourself in to the local mental hospital! Either that or just get a life! Sheesh!
Dear Hernie, Please help! It’s my mother in law! She constantly criticizes me to my husband of 40 years and has done so since the early days of our marriage! She criticizes my cooking, house keeping skills and child rearing! Here’s my house Hernie, judge for yourself as to my house keeping. I am not the most clean house keeper but consider myself to be average!:
As for my cooking:
Here’s my darling kids!
Like I said, the average American family. Tell me Hernie, how do I deal with my mother in law? The beleaguered daughter in law!
Well after looking at those eyesores I’d say she was right! Where do you hail from? On second thought, I don’t want to know. Your mother in law is right about you. I would like to extend my advice to her and tell her to get the hell out of your lives lest she catch some disease judging from your obscenely filthy home. There are still diseases out there undiscovered. Perhaps the WHO should go to your house and take samples! As for those kids of yours? Walking advertisements for celibacy. Get a life loser and leave your mother in law alone! Where’s your husband? Drunk on the couch? He’d have to be!
Hernie, the anti-advice advice columnist!