Archive for category Goofisms
Posted by Herneith in Goofisms, Humour, This n' that on October 30, 2010
I love humour! It is a great stress reliever! One should always seek the absurdities in every situation! This will help alleviate whatever ails you! There are millions of types of humour out there, where to start? Here’s a list:
Different types of verbal humor
I am a particular fan of the following; nonsensism, parody repartee ,satire, understatement, wisecracks, caricature, hyperbole, irony, hell I love all of them! Oh, and I absolutely adore gallows humour and ‘blue’ humour! The fact that there are no unified theories of humour is a joke in and of itself. All the better! I have never been a fan of the overanalysing or over-intellectualizing of things, sometimes a duck is really just a duck. This is where humour comes in handy when dealing with such topics. If you think to hard your brain will burst!
Ever dealt with a long winded jack-ass? The type who loves the sound of their own voice? How about the reject who over-compensates for their lack of self-worth by showing everyone how smart he/she is? I have come across many a gear-box such as this and it wasn’t pretty! How do you deal with this? Once you finish crying, it’s time to get to work! This is where humour comes in handy. Here’s a scenario:
Gearbox: Blahblahblahblah ad nauseum(this can go on for an infinite amount of time). It can occur under many different circumstances and in different environments. Once they have finished babbling, the time is ripe to strike! Start off in an innocuous manner. Make pretend you were actually interested in what it is they said. Start off sounding just as scholarly(?) as they initially did. This is where nonsensism is invaluable. After you start, slowly veer off into the absurd. Take the things they were talking about and turn these topics on their head. The goofier the better. If you are good at it, the asshole will not realize you are having them on until you are quite heavily into the conversation! This is especially effective when dealing with conspiracy theorists, people who make claims about the land of Thule, and other ridiculous topics, such as humans originated on Uranus, or argue the inarguable in general. Don’t feel bad, these goofs asked for it! The topics of their conversations were more than likely absurd to start with. Oh, and try to employ as many ten letter, obscure verbiage as you can manage. Baffle them with more bullshit in this way if you can.
Self-depreciating humour also comes in handy especially if you are on a blind date, or in some other type of ludicrous situation. It also helps when you are accident prone in public places. I will use myself as an example to illustrate this point. I am prone to slipping and falling at the most embarrassing times. If there is a hidden pot hole, a hidden patch of ice around, I will fall down! It always happens in public too! As I can’t get a break in this regard, I use self-depreciating humour to offset any embarrassment. Cussin’ and humour can work quite nicely in conjunction for situations such as this. If you slip and fall and do not break anything or hurt yourself too badly, throw in a couple of cuss words and jokes! For example; “Shit, fuuck!!!, I am such a gearbox!” Then laugh, get up off your ass, and keep walking as if nothing happened. It will provide great jokes as you recount and embellish the incident in the future. Don’t employ this humour too often as it can take a toll on you. You may begin to believe that you are indeed a gearbox, klutz, asshole or fool! Use this type of humour in situations which call for it!
I am also a fan of the repartee. This is called for when dealing with assholes of the first order(is there a second and third?). When you come across a first class sac of shit, repartee is invaluable. This takes time and years of practice to perfect. You must hone your repertoire of insults. Cussin and humour are interchangeable so perfect you cussin vocabulary also. Depending on the goof and the situation, proceed accordingly. Also employ caution as the focus of your repartee may be a psycho. An example of this type of humour is illustrated in my ‘Worlds Greatest come on lines’ post. So it comes in handy and can be used along with the self-depreciating type of humour as well. Don’t you just love the myriad and practical ways that humour can be used?
Humour is a great alleviator of stress as mentioned before. Remember that old standard, ‘When you’re Smiling’? Well it’s true! Even gallows humour can be indispensible. If you’re in a dangerous situation or bad one in general, humour may help to ease the situation. If nothing else, you can use these situations for joke fodder should you survive. This puts me in mind of that old son ‘Cry’ by Johnny Ray. Oh and ‘The Laughing song’ from Die Fledermaus by Johan Strauss. Laughing and crying! Both are cathartic and their own ways! Lord, I think I’ll do other posts on humour but not now, I have an Angus burger with bacon and cheddar cheese getting cold as I type!
‘What is it that strikes a spark of humor from a man? It is the effort to throw off, to fight back the burden of grief that is laid on each one of us. In youth we don’t feel it, but as we grow to manhood we find the burden on our shoulders. Humor? It is nature’s effort to harmonize conditions. The further the pendulum swings out over woe the further it is bound to swing back over mirth.’
Mark Twain, 1905.
I love ad homines! A blog: http://abagond.wordpress.com/2010/09/24/ad-hominem-argument/ I often peruse, I came upon a post about them. The responses were interesting to say the least! The picture at the top is what got me going. It was a picture of two Canada Geese! Now, those fuckers shit like cows. Remember that old kid’s rhythm?
“Birdy birdy in the sky, dropped a white wash in my eye. Thank the Lord that cows don’t fly, birdy birdy, in the sky.”
Can you imagine a Canada goose dropping a turd in your eye? You would be blinded for sure! Now back on topic! Ad hominem, it takes a skillful person to conduct one without being found out until the other person is fully immersed in the debate at hand. Here are some arguments and how to respond to them by way of ad hominem:
For example, hemorrhoids are the causer of great pain in the posterior. When one suffers from flatulence, one is in veritable agony. Ad hominem: You are full of shit. Instead of debating the merits of that person’s argument, the respondent goes in for the kill by claiming that person is lying(full of shit). This is also a good way of diverting the arguments from hemorrhoids to constipation. The debate was in regards to hemorrhoids, not about someone’s bowel functions or lack thereof There is however some truth in the attackers retort as it can be very painful when taking a dump if you have hemorrhoids. So in essence there may be some truth in what the other person says but it still diverts from the topic at hand which is hemorrhoids This ploy is used to dismiss the other’s debate rather than the counter-arguing effectively. The person should have asked for proof of the argument and then proceeded to roll out the abusive counter-arguments after the debater has made his/her points.
After hurling the first ad hominem, the debate becomes a free for all. This is where the insults and name calling comes in. Judging from one’s repertoire of curse words, name calling, hell, even fisticuffs, your ad hominem will either rise of fall. Make sure you have an extensive repertoire, or you are sure to lose! Remember, win at any cost, as this will help your already low self-worth when arguing or debating with someone! Hell, you don’t even have to know what you are talking about! All the more effective if you are able to shout the person down! It helps having a menacing tome or appearance! This may prevent many people from debating or arguing with you to start.
If you are highly credentialed or generally smart, all the better! You can baffle the poor dupe you are debating, with bullshit! How is some poor, uneducated asshole going to know and understand what the hell you jabbering about in the first place? How does that person know you are full of shit! Why? “Because you are dumb, stupid! “ “You don’t possess the credentials or education that I do!” If you are debating someone equally credentialed or educated, go in for the kill at the outset, else you will be in for a bumpy ride. You may actually end up on the losing end of an argument or debate! Start attacking his political affiliations, appearance, lifestyle, anything that will give you an edge. But be quick about it as you do not want to be the one who ends up looking like an asshole! Repeat this mantra; Win at any cost!
You can even employ reverse ad hominem. It doesn’t prove anything but it helps in buttressing the asshole you are defending ad hominem attacks! “But he is such a nice guy: “She’s not really racist, she just comes across as such!” The whole litany of the debater’s fine points(as if they really have any). If nothing else, it will show just how much of an idiot and sycophant you are. Will it help the debate at hand? Who cares? It may or may not help the clown using ad hominem! If nothing else it makes for a good comical interlude! Carry on!
World’s Greatest Come on Lines!
Posted by Herneith in Broads, Bullshit!, Goofisms, Tomfuckery, Tomfuckery, Uncategorized, Whatever on August 27, 2010
Ever been accosted by some clown saying filthy things to you by way of a come on? This has happened to me! I am going to list these lines and my responses!
1. Sit on my face baby!
Response: Is your nose bigger than your prick?
2. How big are your tits?
Response: The same as your mother’s, give or take a few inches.
3. Can I have your number?
Response: 911, if I don’t show up, someone else will!
4. I’m going to meet you after work
Response: Good! I’ve got a baseball bat with your name engraved on it! Still interested?
5. You really want it!
Response: Yes, well people in hell want ice water!
6. Blow me bitch!
Response: I’d need a magnifying glass and a pair of tweezers first!
7. The man grabs his genital area lustfully and invites you to have some.
Response: Oh my god! You’re hung like a field mouse! Alternatively: “Is that a tooth pick?
8. How about some of my Kielbasa(Polish salami)?
Response: Sorry, already ate! Besides which, I don’t like Polish salami!
9. I wouldn’t want you anyways, you fucking ugly bitch!
Response: Oh good, we have established that you will approach ‘fucking ugly’ bitches out of desperation. What does that say about you? That you are a fucking moron and a sore loser.
10. I can get any woman into bed with my lines. It’s 100% successful!
Response: You see that hot 6’4 hunk o’ man over there? The goof looks over to where you are pointing. Um Yeah, so what? Me: Can you give me some of your lines to use on him?
11. Have we met before?
Response: Yes, in my nightmares!
12. Your ass and my face!
Response: My fist and your face!
13. Do you have some Italian(or insert some other ethnicity) in You?
Response: Ah, nooo…
Clown: Do you want some in you?
Response: No. Save your lame come on for some bimbo who will actually be flattered and receptive to your ‘charms’, cause I sure as hell ain’t. Now fuck off and make it snappy!
The all time classic!
I was walking by a bank with a ledge on it to cross the street. A bum was sprawled on the ledge with his hand out, resting his head on his other hand. He was begging for change in a nonchalant way. I made the mistake of catching his eye! He asked me for any spare change I had. I said no. His reply? “I guess a blow job is out of the question the”? What could I do but laugh!
Come on lines can be hilarious as you see! Some words of advice, make sure there are others around when you say your comeback line(s)! Carry heavy books in your purse as they come in handy for self-defense! If all else fails, run!!!!
August 23, 2010