Archive for category Humour

Comical Song of the Week


I love the bleeting of you humans!

I love the bleeting of you humans!

It seems people love to post their favourite songs.  Well, I think I’ll post the songs/music I think are comical!  for starters Jim Reeves, ‘He’ll Have to Go‘.

Put your sweet lips a little closer to the phone
Let’s pretend that we’re together all alone
I’ll tell the man to turn the juke box way down low
And you can tell your friend there with you he’ll have to go

Whisper to me tell me do you love me true
Or is he holding you the way I do
Though love is blind make up your mind I’ve got to know
Should I hang up or will you tell him he’ll have to go

You can’t say the words I want to hear
While you’re with another man
Do you want me answer yes or no
Darlin’ I will understand

Put your sweet lips a little closer to the phone
Let’s pretend that we’re together all alone
I’ll tell the man to turn the juke box way down low
And you can tell your friend there with you he’ll have to go

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The Hairy Arse Hall of Shame or is it Fame?


Hi Gals!  I have enough hair on my arse that if I shaved it, could make a fur coat for you!  Teehee!

Hi Gals! I have enough hair on my arse that if I shaved it, could make a fur coat for you! Teehee!

This man has enough hair on his arse to make ten coats if you ask me.  Any-who, I was surfing the net looking for men with muscular buttocks and came across Yeti here.  I’d thought I’d post it for shits and giggles!

Says Kenny; "I like hairy arses but this gear box is ridiculous!(Mikey is pictured here with his boyfriend Billy Max, another hairy asshole!)

Says Mikey; “I like hairy arses but this gear box is ridiculous!
(Mikey is pictured here with his boyfriend Bob Billy, another hairy asshole!) ” Where’s Cthulhu when you need him”? asks Mikey.

Someone invoke my name?

Someone invoke my name? I happen to like hairy arses, aesthetically speaking of course!

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herneith


Well good day folks.  Here are some letters I received!  They go thus:

Dear Hernie, help!  I have been dating this man for two weeks and I think he is leading me on.  He is currently unemployed, suffers from halitosis and has a problem with hygiene.  He also has a bad hair cut and no fashion sense whatsoever!   However, he is nice, pays from dinner at McDonald’s and holds my hand when we go for walks.  Whenever I phone the number he gave me I get a drunk, belligerent woman on the other line who tells me to “fuck off and stop calling my house, whore!”  She claims to be my new beau’s wife.  When I ask my new beau if he is married, he denies it.  Hernie, who is lying here?  After two weeks of courtship, I wish to know so I can move on!  Waiting with bated breath for your advice.

Dear ‘bated breath’,or is it hot air?   What was your first clue?  His halitosis, poor fashion sense, or the cheap meals at McDonald’s followed by a walk in the park?  Or was it calling the number he gave you, and  consequently  having a harridan claiming to be his wife, cuss you out?  Perhaps it was the fact that he is unemployed?  If you answered yes to any of the above, you’ve got problems and have had problems for some time now!  I suggest you drop this sucker of two weeks, and hie yourself off to a psychiatrist, better yet, sign yourself in to the local mental hospital!  Either that or just get a life!  Sheesh!

Letter #2:

Dear Hernie, Please help!  It’s my mother in law!  She constantly criticizes me to my husband of 40 years and has done so since the early days of our marriage!  She criticizes my cooking, house keeping skills and child rearing!   Here’s my house Hernie, judge for yourself as to my house keeping.  I am not the most clean house keeper but consider myself to be average!:

Here’s the dining room. A bit messy but average for most people!

My living room. A bit untidy, but again nothing out of the ordinary!

I have even taught my cat Snookums how to use the toilet!

As for my cooking:

Toasted Sardine Sandwiches! One of my husband’s favourites!

My signature dish, pork and beans and wieners casserole!

Not one of my best efforts for desserts but hey, at least I try!

Here’s my darling kids!

My eldest Junior! Handsome devil ain’t he? 40 years old, hasn’t held down a job in 20 years but at least he helps in the yard! He’ll find himself eventually!

My middle child and only daughter Joella! Joella’s a great baker as you can see. It is too bad she has eight illegitimate kids for as many fathers and still lives at home!

My little fart biscuit Todd Willy! He has had problems in the past with liquor but most of the menfolk around here do as well as his daddy! He only drinks on weekends now!

Like I said, the average American family.  Tell me Hernie, how do I deal with my mother in law?  The beleaguered daughter in law!

Well after looking at those eyesores I’d say she was right!  Where do you hail from?  On second thought, I don’t want to know.   Your mother in law is right about you.  I would like to extend my advice to her and tell her to get the hell out of your lives lest she catch some disease judging from your obscenely filthy home.  There are still diseases out there undiscovered.  Perhaps the WHO should go to your house and take samples!  As for those kids of yours?  Walking advertisements for celibacy.   Get a life loser and leave your mother in law alone!  Where’s your husband?  Drunk on the couch?  He’d have to be!

Hernie, the anti-advice advice columnist!

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The White Racist’s Guide to Riling up Negroes!!!


herneith

Hi, Mikey the inbred fuck here again. Wassup? Ain’t that how you negroes be greeting one another? I love riling up negroes! Here’s a list of some of the ways to do so! If the negroes get out of hand, I can always rip their face off or bite off a limb! Here we go!!!!!

Well good day all you white racists out there! Want to know how to rile up the Negroes in five easy steps? Well listen up!

1.  Mimic the way the negro speaks so as to mock the negro.  This is a shoo in folks!  It always gets the negro riled.  This is for the dumber racist who is basically a functional illiterate.  So if you are as dense as a brick, this is a nice starter!

2.  If you are a little bit smarter than the dumb racists, bring up the fact that they were better off during slavery than they were in ‘Africa‘.  No need to be knowledgeable about the country of ‘Africa’.  This will cause their eyes to bulge and their blood pressure to rise, the sight of which is hilarious!

Freedman's_bureauYes sah, we was better off during slavery!  At least we had something to eat!  Massa was good to us!(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

3.  Inform them of all the inventions that the whites have made and the fact that negroes have never invented anything.  This one is very popular because it always gets the negroes in a lather!  They will sputter and be at a loss for words or will try to give you a list of black inventors.  Being a dumb fuck you will not care, as it is the charge you get out of riling up the negro that counts.  Who cares that it is individuals who invent and not ‘groups’ per se.   It’s riling up the negroes or bust for the semi-intelligent white racist.

4.  Married or dating a negro?  For those of you who don’t hate negroes but fetishize them; go to your black partner’s group and inform them they are basically useless and your white skin will afford them ‘privileges’ for being in a relationship with a white person!  Never mind you are full of shit!  It is the hilarious reaction you are looking for!  If they are women, tell them how black men find them a handful and hard to get along with and please.  If a man, tell the black man that most black men are deadbeats, criminals or in prison.  They do not appreciate nor know how to treat black women.  Beware though!  This may backfire and you may end up with a rearranged face if the stereotypes of the negro being inherently violent proves true.

5.  Mock black culture under the guise of ‘admiring’ it!  Mimic modes of ‘dress’, music, and supposed ways of life such as thuggery and other modes of criminality;become a full fledged ‘wigga‘!  Keep in mind you may end up being the brunt of jokes though!

6.  For the ‘smarter’ raciss, be insidious.  Don’t let the negro see it coming!  This will prove to be even funnier when they realize you are mocking them!  Start off by talking of innocuous things, such as the change in the weather. When the Negro engages with you in this  mundanity, such as “how nice the weather is today”, tell him/her how much you loathe Obama. Do this suddenly without warning, this is always a shit stirrer par excellence!    So what if the negro you are talking about didn’t even vote nor even supports Obama. Inject it into the ‘conversation’ to throw the negro off kilter. Then carry on as to how you hate Obama care, how you detest him etc. etc.. Assure the negro that you are not raciss,you just can’t stand him(Obama). Whatever you do, don’t let the negro get a word in edge wise during this ‘debate’. If you do, he/she may blow your  conceptions of the negroes possessing low intelligence ,that  they all voted for Obama because of his skin colour, in fact, they may even surprise you with their ‘intelligence’ and erudition. Can’t have that now can we? Why do this? Well it’s fun tormenting people(history has shown you this), and it works excellently as a form of confirmation bias.  The negro will sputter, be taken aback and most likely will be at a loss for words. The best case scenario? He/she will beat the shit out of you! Now isn’t that the ultimate stereotype, the violent, stupid negro? It will serve as party conversation for years to come! At best, it will make you feel good about yourself as your unreasonable hatred conscious or unconscious is confirmed. You will have a ‘legitimate’ reason for hating the negro.

6. Bring up scientific studies that show most black to be intellectually inferior to whites. Do this in the context of why blacks lag behind.  It’s the genetics dummy! Start out subtly now, so you can build up the suspense. Always maintain a calm and kindly demeanor whilst doing this, as you, unlike the negro can control yourself.  Throw in scientific jargon(the negroes probably don’t even know what you are talking about anyway, but neither do you!).  Hopefully the Negroes will get too angry to counteract your pseudo scientific arguments effectively!   The fun is in the outcome of really pissing the negroes off! Don’t’ forget to give them the back handed compliments of being great at sports, singing, dancing, because everything is a trade off.  The negro was given brawn for brains is all.

7.  When a negro brings up past historical wrongs such as cultural genocide, mass lynchings and Jim Crow, fob them off by bringing up blacks’ inherent criminality fueled by testosterone and the ravenous sex drives.  Accuse the black woman of having an overdose of testosterone too!  If this doesn’t floor them, what will?

8.  Bring up the police killings of negroes and do your damnedest to flip the script and blame the negroes for their ill-fortune.  Better yet, bring up some murder committed by blacks against whites.  Divert, divert, divert!!!!!!!  You may have to call 911 when the negro’s head explodes!

Advice to the negroes?  Ignore these loons and keep stepping unless you are in the mood for entertainment or a bout of fisticuffs!  Good day to you!!!!  When will the white racist change their ways?  When pigs fly!!!!

Hi my name is Petula. Me and Mikey are getting married, wish us luck! Sooeee, oink oink.

Last but not least from ‘darling’ Mikey, his opinion and advice:

Hi again folks, Mikey here. I may be funny looking but I am smarter than you because I am white! So what if I am an inbred cretin, I mean creature! I was dropped on my head at birth hence my funny looking face! With my white fur with piss coloured accents, I am all that and then some. I am superior to you, bow down minions before my brilliance! Like my fiance Petula? Mikey the deluded asshole of a tiger! Oh, do you think I’m sexy?

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