Herneith

Well good day folks.  Here are some letters I received!  They go thus:

Dear Hernie, help!  I have been dating this man for two weeks and I think he is leading me on.  He is currently unemployed, suffers from halitosis and has a problem with hygiene.  He also has a bad hair cut and no fashion sense whatsoever!   However, he is nice, pays from dinner at McDonald’s and holds my hand when we go for walks.  Whenever I phone the number he gave me I get a drunk, belligerent woman on the other line who tells me to “fuck off and stop calling my house, whore!”  She claims to be my new beau’s wife.  When I ask my new beau if he is married, he denies it.  Hernie, who is lying here?  After two weeks of courtship, I wish to know so I can move on!  Waiting with bated breath for your advice.

Dear ‘bated breath’,or is it hot air?   What was your first clue?  His halitosis, poor fashion sense, or the cheap meals at McDonald’s followed by a walk in the park?  Or was it calling the number he gave you, and  consequently  having a harridan claiming to be his wife, cuss you out?  Perhaps it was the fact that he is unemployed?  If you answered yes to any of the above, you’ve got problems and have had problems for some time now!  I suggest you drop this sucker of two weeks, and hie yourself off to a psychiatrist, better yet, sign yourself in to the local mental hospital!  Either that or just get a life!  Sheesh!

Letter #2:

Dear Hernie, Please help!  It’s my mother in law!  She constantly criticizes me to my husband of 40 years and has done so since the early days of our marriage!  She criticizes my cooking, house keeping skills and child rearing!   Here’s my house Hernie, judge for yourself as to my house keeping.  I am not the most clean house keeper but consider myself to be average!:

Here’s the dining room. A bit messy but average for most people!

My living room. A bit untidy, but again nothing out of the ordinary!

I have even taught my cat Snookums how to use the toilet!

As for my cooking:

Toasted Sardine Sandwiches! One of my husband’s favourites!

My signature dish, pork and beans and wieners casserole!

Not one of my best efforts for desserts but hey, at least I try!

Here’s my darling kids!

My eldest Junior! Handsome devil ain’t he? 40 years old, hasn’t held down a job in 20 years but at least he helps in the yard! He’ll find himself eventually!

My middle child and only daughter Joella! Joella’s a great baker as you can see. It is too bad she has eight illegitimate kids for as many fathers and still lives at home!

My little fart biscuit Todd Willy! He has had problems in the past with liquor but most of the menfolk around here do as well as his daddy! He only drinks on weekends now!

Like I said, the average American family.  Tell me Hernie, how do I deal with my mother in law?  The beleaguered daughter in law!

Well after looking at those eyesores I’d say she was right!  Where do you hail from?  On second thought, I don’t want to know.   Your mother in law is right about you.  I would like to extend my advice to her and tell her to get the hell out of your lives lest she catch some disease judging from your obscenely filthy home.  There are still diseases out there undiscovered.  Perhaps the WHO should go to your house and take samples!  As for those kids of yours?  Walking advertisements for celibacy.   Get a life loser and leave your mother in law alone!  Where’s your husband?  Drunk on the couch?  He’d have to be!

Hernie, the anti-advice advice columnist!