Archive for category Humour
A Cheapskates guide to preparing X-mas Dinner
Are you a tightwad with the dollars? Looking for a cheap way to prepare X -mas dinner? This advice is for you, call it my gift to all the posters on here!:
A Cheapskates guide to preparing X-mas Dinner
Just throw the turkey in a pot and boil it, chuck some salt and pepper on it. Go to the local cafeteria at school or work and swipe salt and pepper packets on a daily basis or at least whenever you are there. You can go to the store and purchase aluminum disposable pans for cooking or boiling the turkey. Personally, I prefer boiling the turkey, it’s quicker!
If you can’t afford a real turkey, then get a prefabricated turkey roll and do the same thing..
Purchase some Kraft dinner, throw some onions and tomatoes in it, bring it to a boil and throw it in a plastic storage dish or the garbage, depending on how it comes out. Kraft dinner makes a wonderful side-dish!
Throw some carrots and potatoes in a pot(don’t forget to peel the potatoes!) Oh yeah, put some water in it to boil the vegetables!
Get some frozen corn(preferably no name, it’s cheaper).
If you can’t afford real potatoes get some fake ones, again, preferably no name.
Mix the potatoes with lard if you don’t want to purchase butter, margarine or yogurt. Powdered milk works wonders!
Always check out the rotted vegetable section in the grocery store(usually referred to as the ‘sale’ section in the vegetable aisle). You can always cut out the rotted parts, besides which, being cheap, you can purchase tons of them.
If you come across any road kill during your meanderings, use the parts that aren’t to badly rotted. Who knows, if the carcass is big enough, you may be able to use the skin to make coats, footwear and …handbags! Besides, this is environmentally sound for all you tree buggers, I mean huggers, out there. I have heard that rat and mouse meat tastes suspiciously like chicken.
For dessert, you can go to the ‘day old’ bread(probably ten days old!) and purchase moldy, stale bread to make bread pudding. You can employ this method with doughnuts too! Maybe you can pass the moldy bits off as raisins!
Cake? Get some no name cake mix at the grocery store. Mix it, throw it in a pan and bake it for an hour or so. Hopefully, it will come out okay if it doesn’t burn!. Hey, the burnt parts oftentimes are the best part of the cake!
Buy some rotted fruit, again at the sales table, cut off the rotted part, wash the cut up pieces and throw it over the cake. If you are not that health conscious, buy some no name icing and spread it over the cake.
Purchase paper plates and plastic cutlery at a dollar store, after all, who wants to wash dishes after.
Finally, if you and your guest can stomach the above culinary delights without the aid of Maalox and ex-lax, you’ve got a hardier constitution than I do! If your guest(s) complain as to the quality of the meal, tell, or scream this at them; “You knew I am a cheapskate so why the he** did you accept my invitation to Christmas dinner a**holes? This is where the apparent wisdom of using paper plates comes in also. If your guest throws one at you, the worst injury you will sustain is a paper cut. Since there is nothing open, good luck trying to get something else to eat! Give them a bottle of Pepto Bismol or Maalox and send them on their way! They will be pi**ed off, but glad to be gone!
Merry X-mas, or conversely, Bah humbug, whatever your mode of celebration! Bon appetit!!! And a partridge in a pear tree, la de da!
I’m From Your..Err I Mean Uranus!
Posted by Herneith in Aliens?, Ancient Civilizations, Bullshit!, Goofery, Goofisms, Humour, Tomfuckery, Tomfuckery, Whatever on December 12, 2010
Let the hilarity commence! I remember reading that classic tome in goofery, ‘Chariots of the Gods’. The book, and those others of that type, claim, that the harbingers of civilization were aliens. Then there are the ones who claim that we, as a species were created by aliens(an experiment gone wrong as it turns out). These postulations or pustules, if you like, were made for many things, but in-depth analysis ain’t one of them. One thing they were made for however was the infinite fodder for hilarity inherent in these suppositions. I am going to do one of those ‘what if ‘ scenarios, that is if I can stop laughing long enough! Let the goofery commence, sirrah!
10,000 years ago in the wilds of Africa(These space ships always land in Africa or some other remote place where mankind doesn’t initially see them). The aliens are either here to research ‘man’, or are shipwrecked and must make do with what is available at the time ala Robinson Crusoe. In interacting with the lowly beast-like humanoids, they give them ‘knowledge’ that accelerate man’s evolution and development. Hence such ancient civilizations as the Egyptians, Mesopotamian, Inca, Aztec, Chinese, hell, anywhere where the inhabitants weren’t white, were created by aliens! Of course the white advanced civilizations started out of thin air. No aliens for them unless they were genetically engineered by the aliens! That explains their ‘superiority’ to others!
Not even a trashy dime novelist or serial writer could come up with some of this crap! Here’s my take on what an alien would do if the crash/landed on earth, it taint pretty but provides an insight into these ‘aliens’.
“On a wind blown night somewhere in bumf*ck nowhere, on a remote plain or forest, or savanna, take your pick, a UFO crashes/lands. Out pops tall gorgeous man whores, I mean aliens! Here’s two aliens fighting over some heifer whilst Tars Tarkas referees:
Hey! You missed my pecker by a few inches! Dotar: How so Tars? You are hung like a hamster!!!
I love to have my ears stroked . Stroke me baby, stroke me! Apparently that is his species erogenous zone!
You see they are not that much different than humans! Guess what? Most of these aliens would be white or a reasonable facsimile thereof. However these aliens got here, they do the following; Take a look around, seek ‘intelligent’ life, which they do-not find. Smelly, filthy, half nekkid hairy assholes do-not count! It is at this point that Godzilla enters the picture devours some of the aliens, burps farts, and goes to sleep. Alternately, the alien gets back on their spaceship and hightails it out of there. If the alien crash lands, he proceeds to commit suicide by taking a flying leap off a cliff. My scenario would be over in about five to ten minutes of the alien landing. ‘They came, they saw, they fucked off!’
Suffering Succotash!
Another alternative view? Perhaps this is indeed a vacation spot ala the Predator movies. This is according to those who posit that aliens taught the ancient societies their advanced culture/knowledge. In this scenario, they would have treated the humans like pets. You see, they probably missed Fluorite, from their home planet:
@#$%^@! Huh?
Or perhaps *()&^%$#(no equivalent in the human tongue): At least )(*&^%, doesn’t try to hump your leg or sniff your crotch! The only thing they taught these humans was to jump, sit, stay, roll over and such. Such was their regard for the lowly humans. They viewed the humans at best as reminders of their beloved pets back on Uranus or nuisances to be avoided at all costs! In any case, they did not stick around for longer than they had to!
For those of you who believe that the aliens fostered these ancient cultures, perhaps you also believe in Santa Claus. So be it, now go play with Uranus!
Are White Men Ugly or is it White Women Who Make Them So?
Are White Men Ugly or is it White Women Who Make Them So?
I’ll take a quarter pounder with cheese! Make that a half dozen quarter pounders. A working man has to eat!
Well, I will say this though, at least he is employed! How much longer he’ll be breathing is another question. I hope his wife has insurance!
The white woman in all her glory only wants the best. The best bread winner, a man that is 6’8, looks like a body builder, can throw down in the bedroom, dresses impeccably, has a sensitive nature, most of all knows his place! After all, as the arbiters of beauty in the western world, she will need a comparable mate. But hold on. Looks ain’t everything you say? No they ain’t! A white woman can look like this:
Where’s my old man? He went out for a loaf of bread and never came back!
But she will still expect to get something like this:
Do you like my man titays?
What she in all reality will end up with, is someone like this:
I’m Too Sexy For My Small Schlong Underwear!
If he is bringing home a big enough pay check, that will be more than compensatory! Nothing like a huge pay check! You see, a white woman is entitled to the best! Media proves this. The lowlier women on the totem pole are shit out of luck! A black woman in most instances has to settle for this:
Hey baby, like what you see? White women need not apply !
Yowza!!
Asian women have to settle for this:
Like what you see? There are plenty of more of this where I come from!
It makes one weep don’t it?
When a white woman looks like this:
I can get any coloured man I want! I am white! What do looks have to do with It?(triple bagger In Teenage Boy parlance)
She will still want the best. and why not? She is the epitome of beauty! Even if she ain’t all that and a bag of chips, so what! She is white, that is all she needs! Millions of racialized men can attest to this. If she can’t get her ideal white man, she can always go for the ‘lesser’ racialized man for who will have to be over and above the best white man. You see, her white skin is the trade off!
Should a white men possess the attributes hitherto alluded to previously, than watch out! Those broads will go toe to toe to get one. Unfortunately, most white men don’t look like male models or hunks! What’s a white woman to do? Go for the good old pocketbook! This more than makes up for disparity in looks! Sure the white woman finds the white man ugly but a healthy and huge pay check more than makes up for this!
Some advice to white men, invest in Tylenol, you’ll need it!
Humour!
Posted by Herneith in Goofisms, Humour, This n' that on October 30, 2010
I love humour! It is a great stress reliever! One should always seek the absurdities in every situation! This will help alleviate whatever ails you! There are millions of types of humour out there, where to start? Here’s a list:
Different types of verbal humor
I am a particular fan of the following; nonsensism, parody repartee ,satire, understatement, wisecracks, caricature, hyperbole, irony, hell I love all of them! Oh, and I absolutely adore gallows humour and ‘blue’ humour! The fact that there are no unified theories of humour is a joke in and of itself. All the better! I have never been a fan of the overanalysing or over-intellectualizing of things, sometimes a duck is really just a duck. This is where humour comes in handy when dealing with such topics. If you think to hard your brain will burst!
Ever dealt with a long winded jack-ass? The type who loves the sound of their own voice? How about the reject who over-compensates for their lack of self-worth by showing everyone how smart he/she is? I have come across many a gear-box such as this and it wasn’t pretty! How do you deal with this? Once you finish crying, it’s time to get to work! This is where humour comes in handy. Here’s a scenario:
Gearbox: Blahblahblahblah ad nauseum(this can go on for an infinite amount of time). It can occur under many different circumstances and in different environments. Once they have finished babbling, the time is ripe to strike! Start off in an innocuous manner. Make pretend you were actually interested in what it is they said. Start off sounding just as scholarly(?) as they initially did. This is where nonsensism is invaluable. After you start, slowly veer off into the absurd. Take the things they were talking about and turn these topics on their head. The goofier the better. If you are good at it, the asshole will not realize you are having them on until you are quite heavily into the conversation! This is especially effective when dealing with conspiracy theorists, people who make claims about the land of Thule, and other ridiculous topics, such as humans originated on Uranus, or argue the inarguable in general. Don’t feel bad, these goofs asked for it! The topics of their conversations were more than likely absurd to start with. Oh, and try to employ as many ten letter, obscure verbiage as you can manage. Baffle them with more bullshit in this way if you can.
Self-depreciating humour also comes in handy especially if you are on a blind date, or in some other type of ludicrous situation. It also helps when you are accident prone in public places. I will use myself as an example to illustrate this point. I am prone to slipping and falling at the most embarrassing times. If there is a hidden pot hole, a hidden patch of ice around, I will fall down! It always happens in public too! As I can’t get a break in this regard, I use self-depreciating humour to offset any embarrassment. Cussin’ and humour can work quite nicely in conjunction for situations such as this. If you slip and fall and do not break anything or hurt yourself too badly, throw in a couple of cuss words and jokes! For example; “Shit, fuuck!!!, I am such a gearbox!” Then laugh, get up off your ass, and keep walking as if nothing happened. It will provide great jokes as you recount and embellish the incident in the future. Don’t employ this humour too often as it can take a toll on you. You may begin to believe that you are indeed a gearbox, klutz, asshole or fool! Use this type of humour in situations which call for it!
I am also a fan of the repartee. This is called for when dealing with assholes of the first order(is there a second and third?). When you come across a first class sac of shit, repartee is invaluable. This takes time and years of practice to perfect. You must hone your repertoire of insults. Cussin and humour are interchangeable so perfect you cussin vocabulary also. Depending on the goof and the situation, proceed accordingly. Also employ caution as the focus of your repartee may be a psycho. An example of this type of humour is illustrated in my ‘Worlds Greatest come on lines’ post. So it comes in handy and can be used along with the self-depreciating type of humour as well. Don’t you just love the myriad and practical ways that humour can be used?
Humour is a great alleviator of stress as mentioned before. Remember that old standard, ‘When you’re Smiling’? Well it’s true! Even gallows humour can be indispensible. If you’re in a dangerous situation or bad one in general, humour may help to ease the situation. If nothing else, you can use these situations for joke fodder should you survive. This puts me in mind of that old son ‘Cry’ by Johnny Ray. Oh and ‘The Laughing song’ from Die Fledermaus by Johan Strauss. Laughing and crying! Both are cathartic and their own ways! Lord, I think I’ll do other posts on humour but not now, I have an Angus burger with bacon and cheddar cheese getting cold as I type!
‘What is it that strikes a spark of humor from a man? It is the effort to throw off, to fight back the burden of grief that is laid on each one of us. In youth we don’t feel it, but as we grow to manhood we find the burden on our shoulders. Humor? It is nature’s effort to harmonize conditions. The further the pendulum swings out over woe the further it is bound to swing back over mirth.’
Mark Twain, 1905.
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