Archive for category Tomfuckery

Proctologist, er I mean prognosis for 2011(Posts)


I would like to write the following posts for 2011!

  1. BEEFCAKE!
  2. Social spoofs, I mean commentary!
  3. Shopping motherhubbard!
  4. The where and whys of why we are here
  5. Racism and how it affects goofs and assholes.
  6. Whatever.

Stayed tuned, someone has to!

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I’m From Your..Err I Mean Uranus!


Let the hilarity commence!  I remember reading that classic tome in goofery, ‘Chariots of the Gods’.  The book, and those others of that type, claim, that the harbingers of civilization were aliens.  Then there are the ones who claim that we, as a species were created by aliens(an experiment gone wrong as it turns out).  These postulations or pustules, if you like, were made for many things, but in-depth analysis ain’t one of them.  One thing they were made for however was the infinite fodder for hilarity inherent in these suppositions.  I am going to do one of those ‘what if ‘ scenarios, that is if I can stop laughing long enough!  Let the goofery commence, sirrah!

10,000 years ago in the wilds of Africa(These space ships always land in Africa or some other remote place where mankind doesn’t initially see them).  The aliens are either here to research ‘man’, or are shipwrecked and must make do with what is available at the time ala Robinson Crusoe.  In interacting with the lowly beast-like humanoids, they give them ‘knowledge’ that accelerate man’s evolution and development.  Hence such ancient civilizations as the Egyptians, Mesopotamian, Inca, Aztec, Chinese, hell, anywhere where the inhabitants weren’t white, were created by aliens!  Of course the white advanced civilizations started out of thin air.  No aliens for them unless they were genetically engineered by the aliens!  That explains their ‘superiority’ to others!

Not even a trashy dime novelist or serial writer could come up with some of this crap! Here’s my take on what an alien would do if the crash/landed on earth, it taint pretty but provides an insight into these ‘aliens’.

“On a wind blown night somewhere in bumf*ck nowhere, on a remote plain or forest, or savanna, take your pick, a UFO crashes/lands.  Out pops tall gorgeous man whores, I mean aliens! Here’s two aliens fighting over some heifer whilst Tars Tarkas referees:

image

Hey! You missed my pecker by a few inches! Dotar: How so Tars? You are hung like a hamster!!!

image

I love to have my ears stroked . Stroke me baby, stroke me! Apparently that is his species erogenous zone!

You see they are not that much different than humans!  Guess what?  Most of these aliens would be white or a reasonable facsimile thereof. However these aliens got here, they do the following;  Take a look around, seek ‘intelligent’ life, which they do-not find.   Smelly, filthy, half nekkid hairy assholes do-not count!  It is at this point that Godzilla enters the picture devours some of the aliens, burps farts, and goes to sleep.  Alternately, the alien gets back on their spaceship and hightails it out of there.  If the alien crash lands, he proceeds to commit suicide by taking a flying leap off a cliff.   My scenario would be over in about five to ten minutes of the alien landing.  ‘They came, they saw, they fucked off!’

funny-pictures-alien-kitten-GXm

Suffering Succotash!

Another alternative view?  Perhaps this is indeed a vacation spot ala the Predator movies.  This is according to those who posit that aliens taught the ancient societies their advanced culture/knowledge.  In this scenario, they would have treated the humans like pets.  You see, they probably missed Fluorite, from their home planet:

image

@#$%^@! Huh?

Or perhaps *()&^%$#(no equivalent in the human tongue): At least )(*&^%, doesn’t try to hump your leg or sniff your crotch!  The only thing they taught these humans was to jump, sit, stay, roll over and such.  Such was their regard for the lowly humans.  They viewed the humans at best as reminders of their beloved pets back on Uranus or nuisances to be avoided at all costs!  In any case, they did not stick around for longer than they had to!

For those of you who believe that the aliens fostered these ancient cultures, perhaps you also believe in Santa Claus.  So be it, now go play with Uranus!

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World’s Greatest Come on Lines!


Ever been accosted by some clown saying filthy things to you by way of a come on?  This has happened to me!  I am going to list these lines and my responses!

1. Sit on my face baby!

Response:  Is your nose bigger than your prick?

2.  How big are your tits?

Response:  The same as your mother’s, give or take a few inches.

3.  Can I have your number?

Response:  911, if I don’t show up, someone else will!

4.  I’m going to meet you after work

Response:  Good!  I’ve got a baseball bat with your name engraved on it!  Still interested?

5.  You really want it!

Response:  Yes, well people in hell want ice water!

6.  Blow me bitch!

Response:  I’d need a magnifying glass and a pair of tweezers first!

7.  The man grabs his genital area lustfully and invites you to have some.

Response:  Oh my god!  You’re hung like a field mouse!  Alternatively: “Is that a tooth pick?

8.   How about some of my Kielbasa(Polish salami)?

Response:  Sorry, already ate!  Besides which, I don’t like Polish salami!

9.  I wouldn’t want you anyways, you fucking ugly bitch!

Response:  Oh good, we have established that you will approach ‘fucking ugly’ bitches out of desperation.  What does that say about you?  That you are a fucking moron and a sore loser.

10.  I can get any woman into bed with my lines.  It’s 100% successful!

Response:  You see that hot 6’4 hunk o’ man over there?  The goof looks over to where you are pointing.  Um Yeah, so what?  Me:  Can you give me some of your lines to use on him?

11.  Have we met before?

Response:  Yes, in my nightmares!

12.  Your ass and my face!

Response:  My fist and your face!

13.  Do you have some Italian(or insert some other ethnicity) in You?

Response:  Ah, nooo…

Clown:  Do you want some in you?

Response:  No.  Save your lame come on for some bimbo who will actually be flattered and receptive to your ‘charms’, cause I sure as hell ain’t.  Now fuck off and make it snappy!

The all time classic!

I was walking by a bank with a ledge on it to cross the street.  A bum was sprawled on the ledge with his hand out, resting his head on his other hand.  He was begging for change in a nonchalant way.  I made the mistake of catching his eye!  He asked me for any spare change I had.  I said no.  His reply?  “I guess a blow job is out of the question the”?   What could I do but laugh!

Come on lines can be hilarious as you see!  Some words of advice, make sure there are others around when you say your comeback line(s)!  Carry heavy books in your purse as they come in handy for self-defense!  If all else fails, run!!!!

August 23, 2010

 

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