Posts Tagged Humour

I’m From Your..Err I Mean Uranus!


Let the hilarity commence!  I remember reading that classic tome in goofery, ‘Chariots of the Gods’.  The book, and those others of that type, claim, that the harbingers of civilization were aliens.  Then there are the ones who claim that we, as a species were created by aliens(an experiment gone wrong as it turns out).  These postulations or pustules, if you like, were made for many things, but in-depth analysis ain’t one of them.  One thing they were made for however was the infinite fodder for hilarity inherent in these suppositions.  I am going to do one of those ‘what if ‘ scenarios, that is if I can stop laughing long enough!  Let the goofery commence, sirrah!

10,000 years ago in the wilds of Africa(These space ships always land in Africa or some other remote place where mankind doesn’t initially see them).  The aliens are either here to research ‘man’, or are shipwrecked and must make do with what is available at the time ala Robinson Crusoe.  In interacting with the lowly beast-like humanoids, they give them ‘knowledge’ that accelerate man’s evolution and development.  Hence such ancient civilizations as the Egyptians, Mesopotamian, Inca, Aztec, Chinese, hell, anywhere where the inhabitants weren’t white, were created by aliens!  Of course the white advanced civilizations started out of thin air.  No aliens for them unless they were genetically engineered by the aliens!  That explains their ‘superiority’ to others!

Not even a trashy dime novelist or serial writer could come up with some of this crap! Here’s my take on what an alien would do if the crash/landed on earth, it taint pretty but provides an insight into these ‘aliens’.

“On a wind blown night somewhere in bumf*ck nowhere, on a remote plain or forest, or savanna, take your pick, a UFO crashes/lands.  Out pops tall gorgeous man whores, I mean aliens! Here’s two aliens fighting over some heifer whilst Tars Tarkas referees:

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Hey! You missed my pecker by a few inches! Dotar: How so Tars? You are hung like a hamster!!!

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I love to have my ears stroked . Stroke me baby, stroke me! Apparently that is his species erogenous zone!

You see they are not that much different than humans!  Guess what?  Most of these aliens would be white or a reasonable facsimile thereof. However these aliens got here, they do the following;  Take a look around, seek ‘intelligent’ life, which they do-not find.   Smelly, filthy, half nekkid hairy assholes do-not count!  It is at this point that Godzilla enters the picture devours some of the aliens, burps farts, and goes to sleep.  Alternately, the alien gets back on their spaceship and hightails it out of there.  If the alien crash lands, he proceeds to commit suicide by taking a flying leap off a cliff.   My scenario would be over in about five to ten minutes of the alien landing.  ‘They came, they saw, they fucked off!’

funny-pictures-alien-kitten-GXm

Suffering Succotash!

Another alternative view?  Perhaps this is indeed a vacation spot ala the Predator movies.  This is according to those who posit that aliens taught the ancient societies their advanced culture/knowledge.  In this scenario, they would have treated the humans like pets.  You see, they probably missed Fluorite, from their home planet:

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@#$%^@! Huh?

Or perhaps *()&^%$#(no equivalent in the human tongue): At least )(*&^%, doesn’t try to hump your leg or sniff your crotch!  The only thing they taught these humans was to jump, sit, stay, roll over and such.  Such was their regard for the lowly humans.  They viewed the humans at best as reminders of their beloved pets back on Uranus or nuisances to be avoided at all costs!  In any case, they did not stick around for longer than they had to!

For those of you who believe that the aliens fostered these ancient cultures, perhaps you also believe in Santa Claus.  So be it, now go play with Uranus!

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Are White Men Ugly or is it White Women Who Make Them So?


Are White Men Ugly or is it White Women Who Make Them So?

I’ll take a quarter pounder with cheese! Make that a half dozen quarter pounders. A working man has to eat!

Well, I will say this though, at least he is employed! How much longer he’ll be breathing is another question. I hope his wife has insurance!

The white woman in all her glory only wants the best. The best bread winner, a man that is 6’8, looks like a body builder, can throw down in the bedroom, dresses impeccably, has a sensitive nature, most of all knows his place! After all, as the arbiters of beauty in the western world, she will need a comparable mate. But hold on. Looks ain’t everything you say? No they ain’t! A white woman can look like this:

Where’s my old man? He went out for a loaf of bread and never came back!

But she will still expect to get something like this:

Do you like my man titays?

What she in all reality will end up with, is someone like this:

I’m Too Sexy For My Small Schlong Underwear!

If he is bringing home a big enough pay check, that will be more than compensatory! Nothing like a huge pay check! You see, a white woman is entitled to the best! Media proves this. The lowlier women on the totem pole are shit out of luck! A black woman in most instances has to settle for this:

Hey baby, like what you see? White women need not apply !

Yowza!!

Asian women have to settle for this:

Like what you see? There are plenty of more of this where I come from!

It makes one weep don’t it?

When a white woman looks like this:

I can get any coloured man I want! I am white! What do looks have to do with It?(triple bagger In Teenage Boy parlance)

She will still want the best. and why not? She is the epitome of beauty! Even if she ain’t all that and a bag of chips, so what! She is white, that is all she needs! Millions of racialized men can attest to this. If she can’t get her ideal white man, she can always go for the ‘lesser’ racialized man for who will have to be over and above the best white man. You see, her white skin is the trade off!

Should a white men possess the attributes hitherto alluded to previously, than watch out! Those broads will go toe to toe to get one. Unfortunately, most white men don’t look like male models or hunks! What’s a white woman to do?  Go for the good old pocketbook! This more than makes up for disparity in looks! Sure the white woman finds the white man ugly but a healthy and huge pay check more than makes up for this!

 Some advice to white men, invest in Tylenol, you’ll need it!

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