How many of us know someone who fits that description? By loon I mean someone with a narcissistic personality. Usually they are manipulative(the smart ones). The more stupid ones may be unaware of these concepts but intrinsically know what they are doing and how their behaviour and speech affects others. The end result is a breathtaking toxicity that can be potentially deleterious to the target of the of the loon’s behaviour!
What are some of the signs? They are many and complex. Here’s a list of some of them;
- Everything is about them when conversing with them. I am not referring to ‘bad patches’ that everyone occasionally goes through and needs a sympathetic ear now and then. A scenario’; You, “How’s it going"?” This is a rhetorical question but the Loon will give you a litany of all that’s currently wrong in their life. This is not an occasional thing, but a constant. Granted, some folks are just plain neurotic, however with Loons, things aren’t that simple inasmuch as being neurotic can ever be ‘simple’.
- Loon, “Why haven’t you called me?” Well Loon, I can’t call you everyday, there’s only so much we can talk about. However the Loon will not accept this. You see, you are the Loon’s sounding board. Try turning the Loon’s conversation towards yourself and you will see how fast the Loon manages to veer the conversation back to themselves, likity-split! The Loon is basically a self-centered person.
- If you do-not commiserate and sympathize with them constantly, then you are selfish. If you give them advice which they solicited from you, and they don’t like it, then you are the piece of shit, figuratively speaking. You see, you are there to stroke their ego and provide an audience to their ongoing train-wreck of a life. They really don’t want your advice. At this point if you are smart, you will tell them to fuck off. However, ten to one your are a decent person and out of that decency will try to emphasize with that person. If they are particularly insidious they will apologize and put it down to having a ‘bad day’.
- Most Loons realize that their ‘victim’ is at heart a decent person. Many decent and kind-hearted people will put up with this person as at some level they may want to help them. As iterated before, these Loons want an audience, not help. They will take your kind-heartedness for weakness and proceed to suck any benefits to themselves until you cannot provide them with anything else to stroke their ego. If you stay in this relationship long enough you will suffer and be in for a letdown. Hopefully, you will learn from this and recognize the signs should you encounter such a person again. You will also not loose your faith in mankind and become suspicious of others. This is a life lesson, move on and be grateful that you have knowledge of these types of people so you don’t find yourself in this situation again.
- The smart Loons are insidious. They present them selves as normal and will take their time in revealing their true natures. They will wait until you are emotionally invested. When this occurs, they will use emotional blackmail on you. Being a kind and decent person you will put up with their antics, listen to their constant problems and try to help them out of endless conundrums. Once ensnared, they will begin to abuse you. Slowly at first. It will start with little critiques of your personality or appearances. It will grow to become a constant to the point that the person being criticized may begin to believe some of these critiques. The friendship becomes a train wreck waiting to happen and usually end in rancour and disillusionment on the side of the decent person. The Loon will seek other unwitting victims.
- The stupid Loons will reveal these traits soon after befriending you. However, there are a lot of ‘stupid’ decent people out there who fall for their ploys and suffer the same fate.
- Now we come to Loons and race. As a black person, one must be racially conscious. That is not to say prejudiced against any group, but realize you are black with all its’ complexities. When befriending a white person, keep in mind that they are, if nothing else racially conscious whether they admit to it or not. They may claim to be colour blind, but this is pure and utter bullshit. To deny seeing someone in all their totality, is to deny their humanity. They are not seeing you as an individual. These types of white are uncomfortable with discussions on race. They perceive you as an exception to the rule. You are their token ‘black’ friend, convenient for them when someone else may call them out on their racism. “I have many black friends’ and “My best friend is black” is their clarion call. If you prove to be highly intelligent and erudite they may try to put a damper on these things as they are threatened by this as it may show their lack of these attributes, making them feel diminished. They will not look at it as “Great here is someone I can learn from and have intelligent conversations with”. Being self-centered and narcissistic, they will see this as an attack on their own intelligence and personality, not an opportunity to acquire a friend with attributes that can only enhance their own lives.
- Other racialized people. Unfortunately, much of the above can be applied to other racialized people. However, the sting of racism may not be present. Prejudice maybe but not racism as racialized people do not enjoy white privilege . There is a racial hierarchy in North America, and from what I have read, in certain parts of Europe with a large amount of racialized people. The old tactic of divide and conquer is at work here. If you are burnt by a black or racialized Loon, keep that in mind. Do not excuse their behaviour or treatment of you, but realize that a lot of the fuckery is coming from this vantage point. Many racialized people have internalized racism which causes them to strike out at their ‘own’ and other racialized groups instead of the white power structure which put this hierarchy into place to start! This is why being racially conscious, knowing your history, having even a cursory knowledge as to how racism works is imperative!
Solutions? What can I say. If you have the awareness in place as to how Loons operate then you will be able to avoid such people in general. Beware the insidious and intelligent Loon though! When embarking on a friendship, take the slow course. Don’t jump in! There’s an old saying(although this post refers to friendship not romance) “Marry in haste and repent at leisure”! The same can be said of friendship. A real friendship is built up over time and lasts. Sure there are ups and downs but that is with life in general.
A good friend is:
- There through thick and thin.
- Realizes that there will be ups and downs.
- Does not rely on you to stroke their egos and does not consider you fodder for lashing out because they are ‘suffering’ and they consider this your primary function.
- Realizes your quirks and foibles, but hey, that’s you and everyone has them in various degrees.
- Does not seek to denigrate you in order to make themselves look better in public settings as many Loons are attention seeking.
- White friends who view you as a person first and not as an accessory as in “I got black or racialized friends. Who enjoy the cultural or racial differences and want to learn about you and your experiences. In other words you are a human being not an ‘other’.
- Black friends who are racially conscious, not those suffering from internalized racism and will lash out at you because it is safer than being racially introspective and recognizing their behaviours for what they are. The same goes for other racialized groups.
In closing this long rambling diatribe, be true to yourself. If upon meeting a potential friend, and they seem to good to be true, they probably are. Run, that is if you value your sanity and psychological well-being! Otherwise, should you fall victim to a Loon, chalk it down to a valuable life lesson and be more discerning in the future. Finally, this is my motto in regards to friends; If the good outweighs the bad, good, if the bad outweighs the good, FUCK OFF LOON! (LOL, that is my profane side kicking in)
"God defend me from my friends; from my enemies I can defend myself."
Have a nice day.