Dear Hernie I have a problem with one of my co-workers.  I work in close proximity with the person so cannot ‘escape’ from them.  Hernie, my co-worker stinks to high heaven.  This person suffers from halitosis, stinks of urine and feces, has day’s old food stains on their clothes, burps, farts and belches indiscriminately, and has terrible BO stenches permeating like an aura off their body!  Hernie, in the name of professional work relations I have not approached this person to tell them this (besides, they stink too much!).  In fact, their stank breath is enough to knock you out!  Hernie, what can I do about this without harming my work relations?  Help!  Waiting with plugged nose and bated breath in Boise!

Wherever you may be, let your stench run free!!!

Well plug nose, there are several things you can do.  But first I have to include the requisite empathetic bull crap.  Violins wailing.  Perhaps your co-worker suffers from health problems and cannot help his or hers’ hygiene problems.  Have you ever approached them and sat over a coffee to discuss this?  If that doesn’t work, have you approached your human resources department and asked them for help?  I know in many work places there is a policy against wearing perfumes and scents.  Smelling like a stanky ass motherfucker should be one of them since BO, piss and shit stenches qualify as ‘scents’, albeit foul ones.

What I would really advise you to do and say?

1.  If you are a balless wonder, I would advise you to surreptitiously place a bar of soap, deodorant, clean drawers, laundry detergent, toothpaste and mouth wash on their desk with a note asking them to use these items in order to enhance employee relations.

2.  The above will probably not work!  Grow some balls and confront the pig!  Tell them to wash their stanky selves already, if you can get close enough to them with their foul smelling breath.

3.  Being a filthy foul creature since like forever, this will probably not work!  It didn’t help that no-one reported or confronted this cretin before.

4.  If this pig is your boss, get another job!

Oh, how are things in Boise? Tipple any cows lately?

Hernie, the anti-advice, advice columnist!

Amen!!!!!!

Why hello there! I have been receiving queries about getting a man! As fate would have it, I have a sure fire way of doing so! Here’s the to-do girls, listen up I will not repeat myself! I got the following letter from one reader;

“Dear Hernie, I am a thirty-something woman, attractive (so people have told me), well-educated with a well-paying job. Hernie, I can’t seem to find a decent man despite all these attributes. Hernie, my biological clock is ticking I need to find a man toot suite!

Well here’s my advice. Do the following; 1. Put on a mini-skirt without draws underneath. 2. Put on a pair of stiletto shoes. 3. Pile the make up on so you look like a street walker (men like that, especially the drunks). Put on a tight top to show off your tits, they are not just for suckling potential infants. If you are flat chested, stuff your bra with Kleenex and push those boobies up! 4. Hie yourself down to the local truck stop. 5. Walk up and down and around the truck stop swaying your hips provocatively (it sends a signal to potential mates that you are ready to breed!). 6. Bend over now and then on the pretext of picking something you dropped on the ground (this is really effective as the man sees the ‘goods’ so to speak). This is a sure fire way of getting a man, I use this ruse all the time.

Really, get a grip! Men can sense a desperate woman a mile off! Hell a woman can sense a desperate man from a mile off. Relax, enjoy yourself, show some confidence and you will find a man, or one will find you. Better yet, learn to like yourself and stop conforming to societies demands for women! It is okay to remain unmarried, kidless, married, kids, the possibilities are seemingly endless. Anywho, I am off to the Bingo parlour!

A goof I met at the truck stop!

Hernie, the anti-advice advice giver!