Archive for category Bullshit!

herneith


Well good day folks.  Here are some letters I received!  They go thus:

Dear Hernie, help!  I have been dating this man for two weeks and I think he is leading me on.  He is currently unemployed, suffers from halitosis and has a problem with hygiene.  He also has a bad hair cut and no fashion sense whatsoever!   However, he is nice, pays from dinner at McDonald’s and holds my hand when we go for walks.  Whenever I phone the number he gave me I get a drunk, belligerent woman on the other line who tells me to “fuck off and stop calling my house, whore!”  She claims to be my new beau’s wife.  When I ask my new beau if he is married, he denies it.  Hernie, who is lying here?  After two weeks of courtship, I wish to know so I can move on!  Waiting with bated breath for your advice.

Dear ‘bated breath’,or is it hot air?   What was your first clue?  His halitosis, poor fashion sense, or the cheap meals at McDonald’s followed by a walk in the park?  Or was it calling the number he gave you, and  consequently  having a harridan claiming to be his wife, cuss you out?  Perhaps it was the fact that he is unemployed?  If you answered yes to any of the above, you’ve got problems and have had problems for some time now!  I suggest you drop this sucker of two weeks, and hie yourself off to a psychiatrist, better yet, sign yourself in to the local mental hospital!  Either that or just get a life!  Sheesh!

Letter #2:

Dear Hernie, Please help!  It’s my mother in law!  She constantly criticizes me to my husband of 40 years and has done so since the early days of our marriage!  She criticizes my cooking, house keeping skills and child rearing!   Here’s my house Hernie, judge for yourself as to my house keeping.  I am not the most clean house keeper but consider myself to be average!:

Here’s the dining room. A bit messy but average for most people!

My living room. A bit untidy, but again nothing out of the ordinary!

I have even taught my cat Snookums how to use the toilet!

As for my cooking:

Toasted Sardine Sandwiches! One of my husband’s favourites!

My signature dish, pork and beans and wieners casserole!

Not one of my best efforts for desserts but hey, at least I try!

Here’s my darling kids!

My eldest Junior! Handsome devil ain’t he? 40 years old, hasn’t held down a job in 20 years but at least he helps in the yard! He’ll find himself eventually!

My middle child and only daughter Joella! Joella’s a great baker as you can see. It is too bad she has eight illegitimate kids for as many fathers and still lives at home!

My little fart biscuit Todd Willy! He has had problems in the past with liquor but most of the menfolk around here do as well as his daddy! He only drinks on weekends now!

Like I said, the average American family.  Tell me Hernie, how do I deal with my mother in law?  The beleaguered daughter in law!

Well after looking at those eyesores I’d say she was right!  Where do you hail from?  On second thought, I don’t want to know.   Your mother in law is right about you.  I would like to extend my advice to her and tell her to get the hell out of your lives lest she catch some disease judging from your obscenely filthy home.  There are still diseases out there undiscovered.  Perhaps the WHO should go to your house and take samples!  As for those kids of yours?  Walking advertisements for celibacy.   Get a life loser and leave your mother in law alone!  Where’s your husband?  Drunk on the couch?  He’d have to be!

Hernie, the anti-advice advice columnist!

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Dear Hernie Letters of the Day!


Good day!  I received these letters from some clowns!  I shit you not!  It goes thus, first letter:

“Dear Hernie, I think I may have a problem!  I have been married for 20 years to a wonderful, caring man.  He is very attentive and a good provider.  He even praises my cooking, (I can’t cook worth shit).  He tells me constantly that he loves me and brings me presents such as bon bons and chocolates(Belgian).  Our love life is regular considering all the headaches I suffer from.  

Hernie, something strange has been happening in the last few months and it finally came to a head last night.  My husband was working another overtime shift last evening.  He got home around midnight looking exhausted.  I offered to warm up a can of pork and beans and run a bubble bath for him.  Whilst he was getting into the bath tub, I notices lipstick marks on his nut sac, I mean scrotum.  Hernie, do you thing he has been cheating?”

In a word probably.  Now the questions to be asked, the the solutions to be proffered are as follows:

1.  How much income does he make a year?  The reason I ask?  It might not be to your advantage if he has a low paying job, to divorce. Getting half or little of nothing isn’t worth the cost.  You may be able to get extras such as clothes, perfume, or a trip to the Bingo parlour.  In other words, extort concessions  out of him.  If he has a low paying job, he may not wish to get a divorce.  He may want to go to counseling, barring that, get him a case of liquor.  He will be too drunk to do anything or go anywhere.  If he is rich or has a high paying job which requires a facade of respectability, then threaten divorce!  Shit, divorce him and take everything you can!

2.  You wrote that he had lipstick marks on his scrotum?  Well you can do two things, ask him where he got the lipstick marks from.  Perhaps he was experimenting as he is a closet cross dresser.  Look at it on the bright side whatever answer he provides, you will not have to put out as he is sleeping/pumping someone else.  Your headaches may become a thing of the past as a result.  You can turn a blind eye to his shenanigans as long as he keeps the pay cheques coming.  Make sure he isn’t spending money on the whore, taking her to dinner, to flea bitten motels, or buying her cheap perfume, every penny counts as long as it’s in your account!

3.  Your third option is to throw caution to the wind and pump the milk man.  Are you for real?

Letter #2:

“Dear Hernie,  I have been dating a wonderful woman for the last fifteen years.  However, she is an alcoholic.  When drunk, which is most of the time, she is violent, promiscuous and foul tempered!  When drunk, she berates me in public calling me names such as motherfucker, cocksucker and a piece of shit!  To say this is embarrassing is an understatement!  Many a time I’ve had to bail her out of jail for public drunkenness and brawling.  Hernie, I don’t know how long I can put up with this.  This isn’t recent, she became like this after a year and a half of dating!  Help Hernie!

Dear jackass, dump the broad!  You read like you are a few cards short of a deck yourself, either that you are a masochist!  Grow some balls!  Good day!

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The Day in the life of a White Racist Troll!


Bliff Is my name, riling up Negroes is my game….after a few drinks that is.

Good Day!  Ever wonder how the white racist troll spends their day?  Well here is an itemized list.

  1. Falls out of bed and stumbles to the washroom and exclaims; “I have the mother of all fucking hangovers!”  The goof then scours the internet for  black oriented blogs.  The constipated cockatrice searches out those that particularly target white racism in all its’ glory.
  2. The fool finally finds one that has a fairly large readership.
  3. He peruses the blogs which he finds to be particularly ‘militant’.
  4. He goes to his liquor cabinet and proceeds to get something to drink, after all you will need the Dutch courage to respond.
  5. After a few tentative drinks, he starts drinking copious amounts of liquor.  Perhaps he may throw in a few spliffs  to soften the hard edges of his potential counter-attacks.

    Doug 666 on the golf course after partaking of a liquid lunch.

  6. He starts his dumbfuckery by identifying himself as a ‘race realist, not a racist.
  7. The puffed up jackanapes will then attempt to explain in a verbose, pompous manner, as to why blacks are basically ‘dumb’;it’s the genetics dummy!  Add evolving in cold climates and other similar lunacy as to why this is so.  He will then emphasize for the millionth time that he is not racist but being cool, calm and logical!  Science supports him!
  8. Bring up black crime statistics to show how blacks lack reserve, control over their behaviour and are basically some many percentage points dumber than whites.  But they can sing, dance and are good athletes!  The men have an astounding amount of testosterone that explains their impulsiveness and the white mens’ smaller peckers and lower sex drives.  But hey, everything is a trade off eh?  Oh, he will link you to cases of black on white crime.  Keep in mind he is not yet drunk as he has only consumed several bottles of beer and a quart of liquor.  Over the years these superior white racist men have built up an incredible resistance to alcohol.  It takes a lot to get drunk!!
  9. Whilst typing all this, he  consumes vast amounts of liquor.  That way if he ‘slips’ up and makes a particularly ignorant remark, he can attribute it to the alcohol, he may have consumed too much of it.  You see, he ain’t really a ‘raciss’, you are for pointing his racism out to him!
  10. He stumbles to the toilet to take a piss and remembers to put the toilet seat up this time.  Once he is finished voiding his bladder, he gets back to ‘work’ and drinks some more liquor.
  11. He types some more bullshit.  He takes particular posts, hell, singles out some posters who are not ‘listening’ to him and writes a load of shit in order to give the impression that he is ‘logically’ picking their remarks to shreds.  After all, the blacks need a white saviour to show them what day it is.  He throws  in some statistics which lack context or are generally slanted in favour of his views, or so he may think.
  12. Drink some more liquor.
  13. What ever he does,he will try to bait some of the posters, hopefully, they will fall into his ‘trap’ and seriously debate him!
  14. Time for lunch! He staggers to the kitchen to see what is available to eat. The  cupboards are bare except for macaroni, stale bread, cans of sardines and expired milk? Ah shit, fuck, he slurs.   He just chucks it into a pot, brings it to a boil and throws some expired milk on it.  He then eats this concoction out of the pot.  After consuming this vomit inducing shit, he burps, farts and scratches his balls.  Oh yeah, he doesn’t forget to get more liquor out of the cabinet.  He is on a roll folks and geared up for intellectual battle!
  15. By now, he should be bleary eyed and perhaps his hands are starting to cramp up.  No worries, he puts some Preparation H or is it ex lax? on his afflicted hands.  Being drunk, he most likely will not know the difference.
  16. Given temporary relief, he starts typing some more nonsense in particular, expounding in-depth on his  race realist views.  When queried as to why he even bothers to come to the particular blog, he informs the niggers, he mean blacks, that he is providing a different viewpoint other than that of preaching to the choir. The cretin  keeps calling the blacks the most racist he has ever read.  He starts wondering if this is what all the niggers, he means blacks think.
  17. Duty calls!  time for another trip to the toilet.  Being drunk, he tries not to piss all over the walls and floors!  He staggers back to his computer and commences educating those ni…blacks.
  18. What fun he is having.  This is almost better than drinking!  Almost, but not quite!
  19. He continues toing and froing with these blacks. He punctuates this with both liquor and spliffs and is getting more inebriated and belligerent.
  20. Supper time!  But wait there is no food to be had, besides he is having too much fun baiting and interacting with these porch monkeys, I mean blacks.

    Randy, the true intellectual of these racist stooges!

  21. Time for supper again, but it’s at this point the drunk, I mean racist troll  proceeds to pass out.  It doesn’t matter though because there is nothing in the fridge nor cupboard which can be prepared whilst drunk!

And so it goes for the white racist troll.

Always Do Sober What You Said You’d Do Drunk. That Will Teach You To Keep Your Mouth Shut.

Mark Twain

The award goes to Doug 666, Bliff, randy,Brahms, Da Jokah, Riverside_Bob(or whatever the fuck his name is), and all the rest of those white racist trolls out there. Fuck off.

12 Comments

Cussin!


Yes, I love cussing, I will freely admit it! Cussing is a useful way to relieve tensions. As I have always posited, “Would you prefer to be punched out or cussed out”? Hence, swearing can be used as way to deflect violence. It can also be used as a purgative for frustration, for pain relief; for example crying ‘shit‘ if you stub your toe or hit a funny bone. Swearing can be used in jokes, expressing elation(that was fucking great!), during sex, if you have an overwhelming love for something, a place, event etc(I fucking love chocolate!). In other words it is reflective of our feelings at the time and gives an extra emphasis to them.

Swearing knows no cultural boundaries. Everyone swears or has at some point, it’s just a matter of degree. Swearing isn’t solely in the domain of a certain class, culture, nationality or race, rather, it knows no limitations and is the epitome of equality! Swearing as a language tool, teaches children the various dimensions between what is appropriate, taboo, or inappropriate. If someone for example says ‘motherfucker’ as opposed to ‘fucker‘, the latter will be seen as the more ‘milder’ of the two. Kids are quick learners in this regards. When an adult hears a kid swear, they will, in most instances, correct the child’s language. Factor in the ‘rebelliousness’ of swearing among teenagers for example, swearing goes a long way in establishing their credentials of being ‘cool’. Of course as one matures this hopefully wears off to a great extent. People still swear in their daily lives or intermittently. Anyone ever drop an expensive piece of porcelain, look to see if anyone is around and yell “Oh Shit, fuck”!?

A cunning array of stunts!

Of course swear words can range from mild to extreme. Many of the swear words find their origins in sexual acts and bodily evacuation, such as ‘shit’ ‘piss’, ‘fuck’ etc. What is intriguing is the fact that these words may not or don’t refer to those particular functions but rather to behaviours or outcomes. For example, someone refers to another as being ‘fucked up’ due to the recipient’s behaviour or your ‘fucked’ if the outcome of a situation looks bleak. Someone tells another to “go piss up a tree”. Body parts are used also, many of them sexual organs as descriptors for people like ‘prick’ ‘nut sac’ ‘asshole’, “tits'(as useful as tits on a bull).

Gor blimey!

If you are going to cuss, develop a repertoire! Not just the requisite “fuck”, “shit”, or “piss”, although these can be used interchangeably or in conjunction with other words. For example, when referring to some one who is excellent at oral sex;”suck golf balls through garden hose“. The context being this for example;”Why are they with that person(if there is a perceived disparity in looks between the couple)? The reply; “maybe they(the perceived ugly one)can suck golf balls through garden hoses”. How about this one; “blow the brass off a door knob“, or this; lick the chrome off a fender”. For example, I love that archaic phrase ‘whore son!’ Be creative, the possibilities are endless when it comes to cussing. Why, you can cuss someone out with out even uttering a genuine cuss word as long as the intent is there!

Huh?

Here are some cuss words that I particularly find hilarious!
‘bullocks’
‘bumbo clot’
motherfuck you bitch!’
‘You hairy nut sac’
‘bunghole’
‘ass wad’
‘shit ticket'(toilet paper)
‘cluster fuck’
”fart face’
‘fuck face’
‘fuck wad’
‘fucktard’
‘fuck wit’
‘rass clot’
butt fuck
‘but hole’
‘dick cheese’
wank stain
‘butt blaster’
‘butt fuck Idaho‘(out-of-the-way place, can substitute another area)
‘moose crotch __(insert an out-of-the-way place)

The list is inexhaustible!

In order for your cussing to have a greater emphasis and impact, you must pick when to do so, sort of like picking your battles!. Remember, swearing can be a great pain reliever when you slice off your finger whilst preparing a salad, smash your head off the side of a wall or furniture, burn your hand while cooking, have particularly severe menstrual cramps, have telemarketers call you at dinner time or when you’re in the shower and rush out to answer the phone, get cut off in traffic, almost get run over by a truck, have some asshole shout ‘nice tits’ as your walking down the street, try a food you have never heard of much less eaten, spit it out and shout “this taste like shit!(hopefully this is figurative not literally that you’ve eaten shit before), you run out of toilet paper after taking a particularly huge dump and no-one else is around to get you some, someone runs their shopping cart on the back of your ankle, being accosted by Jehovah Witnesses, being exposed to volume deaf rendering earth-shaking music(Turn that motherfucking shit off!), seeing a UFO and exclaiming “what the fuck was that”(never mind you may have been drunk), unwittingly step into a pothole, fall on your ass in public and exclaim “fuuck, shiiiit! You see, the opportunities for cussing are endless and in many cases justifiable!

Tee hee, you're fucked!

The down side of cussing, well there are many. If in public, you may not know that the person you are cussing out, in response to cutting you off in traffic, may be a certifiable lunatic and may physically retaliate! You take your chances… The person who runs the shopping cart against your ankle may be an elderly person, the Jehovah Witness may bring down the wrath of god on you, the goof that hollered “nice tits” may take this as a license for asking for your number or worse yet, a date. So you see, there are risks involved, but like I said choose wisely!

To those that skin up their face and take on the holier than thou stance or express disdain for cussing, I say Fuck em!

Have a nice day. Oh and remember:

The world is full of assholes, much like opinions!


‘Said Mark Twain towards the end of his life, “If I cannot swear in heaven I shall not stay there.”

http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2011/03/the-science-of-swearing-read-the-fing-thing/

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/8458163/Swearing-can-help-relieve-pain-study-claims.html

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=why-do-we-swear

http://tierneylab.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/07/13/cursing-and-pain-relief/

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