Dear Hernie Letters of the Day!

Good day!  I received these letters from some clowns!  I shit you not!  It goes thus, first letter:

“Dear Hernie, I think I may have a problem!  I have been married for 20 years to a wonderful, caring man.  He is very attentive and a good provider.  He even praises my cooking, (I can’t cook worth shit).  He tells me constantly that he loves me and brings me presents such as bon bons and chocolates(Belgian).  Our love life is regular considering all the headaches I suffer from.  

Hernie, something strange has been happening in the last few months and it finally came to a head last night.  My husband was working another overtime shift last evening.  He got home around midnight looking exhausted.  I offered to warm up a can of pork and beans and run a bubble bath for him.  Whilst he was getting into the bath tub, I notices lipstick marks on his nut sac, I mean scrotum.  Hernie, do you thing he has been cheating?”

In a word probably.  Now the questions to be asked, the the solutions to be proffered are as follows:

1.  How much income does he make a year?  The reason I ask?  It might not be to your advantage if he has a low paying job, to divorce. Getting half or little of nothing isn’t worth the cost.  You may be able to get extras such as clothes, perfume, or a trip to the Bingo parlour.  In other words, extort concessions  out of him.  If he has a low paying job, he may not wish to get a divorce.  He may want to go to counseling, barring that, get him a case of liquor.  He will be too drunk to do anything or go anywhere.  If he is rich or has a high paying job which requires a facade of respectability, then threaten divorce!  Shit, divorce him and take everything you can!

2.  You wrote that he had lipstick marks on his scrotum?  Well you can do two things, ask him where he got the lipstick marks from.  Perhaps he was experimenting as he is a closet cross dresser.  Look at it on the bright side whatever answer he provides, you will not have to put out as he is sleeping/pumping someone else.  Your headaches may become a thing of the past as a result.  You can turn a blind eye to his shenanigans as long as he keeps the pay cheques coming.  Make sure he isn’t spending money on the whore, taking her to dinner, to flea bitten motels, or buying her cheap perfume, every penny counts as long as it’s in your account!

3.  Your third option is to throw caution to the wind and pump the milk man.  Are you for real?

Letter #2:

“Dear Hernie,  I have been dating a wonderful woman for the last fifteen years.  However, she is an alcoholic.  When drunk, which is most of the time, she is violent, promiscuous and foul tempered!  When drunk, she berates me in public calling me names such as motherfucker, cocksucker and a piece of shit!  To say this is embarrassing is an understatement!  Many a time I’ve had to bail her out of jail for public drunkenness and brawling.  Hernie, I don’t know how long I can put up with this.  This isn’t recent, she became like this after a year and a half of dating!  Help Hernie!

Dear jackass, dump the broad!  You read like you are a few cards short of a deck yourself, either that you are a masochist!  Grow some balls!  Good day!

  1. #1 by truthbetold on September 8, 2012 - 19:11

    LOL!

    Are these “real” letters?

    • #2 by Herneith on September 9, 2012 - 11:45

      Nope, they are a compilation of so called ‘self-help’ columns gleaned from the newspapers. It appears that many people do not see that which is in front of their faces. They turn to an outside entity to ‘help’ them for things which they could resolve with a bit of common sense but for some reason, they need some sort of permission to do so. Being an absurdist, I find these ‘advice’ columns bizarre and funny at the same time.

  2. #3 by cleonette on September 8, 2012 - 19:32

    This is can’t be real!!! lol!

  3. #4 by cleonette on September 8, 2012 - 19:33

    I mean this just can’t be real! Too funny!

  4. #5 by truthbetold on September 10, 2012 - 16:52

    Hernie….did you see this?

  5. #6 by Herneith on September 10, 2012 - 19:57

    For one, this looks like a crappily written book with a crappy promotional video. A waste of space if you will. I wouldn’t waste a dime nor a nickel on it. This is many a white women’s fantasy. It goes thus;

    “We white women are still on top despite the fact that even in a post apocalyptic world, we are still the most valued. If you go to sites for self-published books, you will see many crappy books(some are entertaining), this one has managed to cause a shitstorm. Believe me, there are similar books along the same lines as this broad has written. With similar themes give or take. I remember reading a book such as this by the late sci-fi author Andre Norton. I can’t remember the name! Anyhow, the plot is similar but the main protagonist is a white man! It occurs in a post-apocalyptic world were white are genetic throw backs. They are ostracized and segregated. So if two black people have a white child, the child is taken away and sent to crackerville. All the whites are savages as a result of the dastardly blacks depriving them of equal rights and sending them off(maybe the blacks remembered their history!). To make a long story short, the white man ends up with the main black female character. This plot is not new in other words. I wouldn’t be surprised if she read this book as Andre Norton was a prolific sci-fi writer and highly regarded in that genre, being one of the earliest sci-fi female writers to gain renown. In other words, there is nothing new under the sun except for the old and tired trope that whites are better regardless of the times they live in. They may suffer a little bit but as long as the message comes through, that is all that counts. This is many a white woman’s wet dream.

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