Dear Hernie, HELP!!!!!  I am getting married in a few days but I have a major problem with my future father in law!  I am getting married in a day and a half Hernie!  My prospective father in law is a drunkard and a filthy bum, otherwise I love him dearly.  He is a drunkard who belches, farts, shits and pisses himself indiscriminately.  He cusses and swears like there is no tomorrow!  I don’t want him at my wedding as you can smell him coming a mile off before you see him, he is a walking fart!  Soap, deodorant and water are anathema to him.  Under normal circumstances, I couldn’t care less but It is my wedding Hernie!  My fiancé insists that his father attend, otherwise he is calling it off!  Hernie what should I do.  I don’t want to be embarrassed at my wedding, nor do I want my guest having to but up with his foul stench or boorish behaviour!  At my engagement party, he went around grabbing all the women’s tits!  Otherwise he is a fabulous man!

Go fuck yourselves arseholes!

Did I forget to mention that my future father in law is filthy rich?  I am talking billions and my fiance is his only child.  Despite  concerns, I dearly love my future father in law.  Signed apprehensive in Omaha.

Dear Apprehensive, go get your head read….please!  Here’s the todo ; 1.  The drunk asshole is rich.  2.  Your prospective husband knows this, so will put up with foul odours and drunkenness for a few hours here and there in order to preserve his inheritance, capiche dummy?  3.  The wedding is just one day out of your life.  Put up with the foul-smelling drunkard and reap the future benefits. He is going to die some day.  If you and your fiancé are still married then you can have a proper ‘wedding’ with all the bells and whistles. 4.  The drunk asshole is rich.  5.  The drunk asshole is rich.  Is you future father in law married?  If he isn’t give me his number.  I could give him some counseling for his problems.  Use your brain and womanly wiles, but you are from Omaha that must explain your stupidity!  Good luck on your upcoming nuptials you’ll need it, sheesh!

Hernie, the anti-advice columnist.